Monday, May 12, 2014


Today's hospital visit.

Thank you to all people who have sent me such kind good wishes. I wish I could talk to each and every one of you individually. I am so fortunate that there are many of you.

Now to update you with my news.
Basically I have learned little that is new to me. What I know is what I assumed would be.

I shall be in hospital next Monday for further investigation and for biopsies to be taken for testing. There are 2 areas of concern. One is where I thought it would be and from where blood is coming. The other is a small enlarged lymph gland in the groin, that lymph node will be removed.

It is almost a rerun of my life 23 years ago. First the pancreas pain and then the lymphoma diagnosis. Though let us just say that until everything has been tested nothing is certain. But I know and the lymph gland news does worry me - but having beaten it before, I know I must keep up the good fight.

But fighting is hard right now of course. I feel I should be fighting for Bill.

I have a few days to pull together the support and knowledge of the experienced people in my world to make things as easy as possible.
What I want is that Bill can be taken into care for a week, so that I can recuperate from surgery without needing to fight for him. I shall talk to my wonderful social worker in the morning. It would be even more wonderful if she could find a place at Deerswood, where Bill is going to day care on Wednesday.
Jenny (family member) who has already been so very good to me has offered her support and suggests I stay with her for a couple of nights after surgery.
Nothing is yet decided - but I can feel the worry and weight of these practical issues being lifted from me.

The results of the biopsies will not be known for a couple of weeks - so I shall have to make the most of a normal week after the surgery week.

This evening I feel numb and tired. I can expect nothing from Bill of course. I can tell him a little but I expect almost no understanding and not a hint of how he could support me.
He thinks there is nothing wrong with him and is baffled that I am talking about his need to be found somewhere to go.

He will also have to go into a home if I am having treatment - certainly the first week of each course of chemo. Although secretly I am beginning to think it might be better if it became a permanent thing. It's not just his inability to support me in any way - apart from making a cup of tea and washing up, it that I know I couldn't endure chemo and constant noise.

It goes without saying that not one of you are happy about my situation - it is totally unlikeable! But I value all your love and support anyway. And I am sure that those close at hand may well spare some time to give me company which always makes me feel better.
Right onwards Paula - another chapter with more to learn.