Monday, May 05, 2014


The Need to Float Away

I have spent more than an hour floating. No, not in water, more a sort of out of body experience. I floated amongst trees, as far away from reality as possible. The reality of my life seemed so very impossible. It was a good day - or could have been if I could avoid the weight of Bill on my back; if I didn't feel him clogging my heart with his unbearable behaviour. I feel like my body, my blood flow, my gut, my muscles are all tangled and knotted. It is no wonder that I have so much pain and fear. It was good to float away to some place far away.
I fear that the reality of my situation will destroy me; the process has already begun. My brain and my body are constantly assaulted by violent noise, loud noise, silly noise. Others feel the pain of it; it can distress them too and they feel helpless in trying to protect me. It became more than I could cope with. I escaped to my bed and floated away.
Why do I have to come back?
I hate feeling my brain shrivel under the power of Bill's constant attack.
Yes, I know he has no ability to control it. He is unable to know what he is doing to me
But that makes it worse - for I know that there can be no end. Every day will bring the same - more constant noise - try living with a very noisy chicken! Try watching and listening to your life companion hitting himself so hard it hurts.
The only end is the finality of death, his or mine. I can yearn for it quite often.
Unless........such a useless hope, I guess, that some expert might see this problem as wider than dementia alone.
The out of control rhythmical noise makes me think of something like Tourrettes Syndrome. I'm not saying it is that. But there is medication to help control it. Will somebody be brave enough to try it?
It seems to be such a long wait for Bill to be seen by the neuro psychologist - maybe the only one who might be empowered to make such a decision.
Meanwhile we both are blown hither and thither by the whims of a failing brain. I am losing my love for the man - he is driving me over the edge to fall into a whirlpool of insanity and pain.
I could love him and work for him if the constant noise was removed.
What can I do?
Right now, all that I can do is abandon Bill to his own company and slip away to float off into the wide blue yonder.
That is not loving care - not really any sort of care. But it may be the best I can do.T