Monday, April 28, 2014


Onward to battle.

So what do I know today that I didn't know yesterday?
The answer is - not much.
I had the internal ultrasound scan this morning and there is no doubt that I am very sore up there.
I don't know exactly what they have seen - and nobody seems to be any wiser about the cervix issue. Have I got one or not?
If I have then there is some thickening of the cervix wall. If I haven't there is some thickening of something else.
It is quite plain that although nothing is certain, the doctor has cancer on his mind.
And it is now getting firmly fixed in my mind.
The plan now is that I will be called for an MRI scan without delay. The professionals will have a joint meeting - and that does include cancer specialists.
I will see the doctor again in 2 weeks.
I hope they will be more sure about what is happening to me.
I may have to be investigated further under a general anaesthetic. Past experience tells me that whilst I am under they will do anything that can be done and that could include more major surgery.
I cried there, with the doctor.......hell, I really could do without this, couldn't I?
I have pretty well decided that I must take on board the worst possible scenario.
I need to be working through all that might be needed for Bill if I am to be indisposed. He may well need respite care for some time as I cope with what might be happening to me.
Thank goodness I have already been in contact with Wendy, from social services.
Tomorrow evening I will talk things through with her.
Bill doesn't really understand what is happening. I told him things could be pretty serious - but he didn't get that. So I uttered the word Cancer.
Soon he was announcing that he could see he would be burying me within a year! Like a child, he says the first thing that comes into his head. The word won't be mentioned again.
I have told him that if I have to have time in hospital he, too, might have to be cared for. He doesn't know why that is the case. I lied. I told him that now social services know about him, he wouldn't be allowed to stay home alone.
But that is all in the future.
Things might not be as bad as we fear - but somehow, I sort of know.
I had promised Steve, that I would get to the shop for the afternoon. I was glad of the peace.
But I might as well not have bothered.
Customers not out and about today.
I arrived home to find Bill on the land line chatting with somebody and grunting "Mmmmm" to whatever was said to him.
It was a charity call - and Bill was agreeing to give £3 a week, or £12 a month.
Thank goodness I got home when I did.
I picked up another phone and butted in. I told the guy that he might not realise it but he was talking to a man with severe dementia.
Well, he didn't know of course and was apologetic.
I keep telling Bill not to answer anything except the mobile phone I bought him - but that doesn't sink in. Answer - I should not leave him alone.
I will wait for 2 weeks now and then I must make sure that there are people to come in when I want to be out. Perhaps a cleaner is just what I will need to be in place.
I will make sure that a few people know his mobile number.
I have felt rough for a while this evening. That pain that goes right round my middle and is assumed to stem from my pancreas really upsets me.
I began to mourn for my life......would that be it for the remainder of my life? Pain and Bill's noise?
I have avoided the opiate pain killers for 2 or 3 weeks, but this evening I took 2 co-codamol and I began to feel more content.
All I can hope for during the next 2 weeks is some time of feeling content.
In truth I feel extremely fed up and bothered, of course. But I have to learn to squash that and take pride in dealing with things as well as I can and be ready for the fight once again.