Monday, April 21, 2014


Bill and Ellie.

Another lazy morning. Bill doesn't ever seem to want to be up until midday.
I was dozing too. Feeling fragile and bothered.
My future wasn't looking bright - maybe with good cause.
Next Monday I will have a 3 hour investigation in the gynaecology department and I have fears.
I have pains too. The pains are very like those that got increasingly worse before the bladder was removed. Well, at least they can't do that again - but what now?
But I had said to Bill that there should be a trip out - The South Downs or Brighton Marina felt like too much of a challenge.
We went to La Rusta - I could have some of the delicious soup.
"Please Bill, whilst we are in there, could you manage to be fairly quiet?"
"Of course" he boasted.
But his head was turned by another female who encouraged him to make a lot of noise.
Little Ellie was in there with her parents. She must have been about two.
Bill and Ellie looked at each other from our separate tables and grinned. then made faces.
Bill banged the table......Ellie did too.
They were leading each other on - silly laughs, blowing raspberries, sticking out tongues, more banging.
I felt so weak and mentally shattered that I couldn't cope.
I felt awkward for Ellie's parents and other customers. I wanted to cry; I wanted to hide.
I guess I have an instinct, too, to protect my man from other peoples' poor opinions of him.
I did get up and explain to the parents about Bill's condition.
But Ellie didn't care about Bill's condition.
When it was time for her to leave she came over to give Bill a kiss and have a cuddle. She wanted a cuddle from me too.
She was lovely and I admired her parents for being so relaxed.
I decided, foolishly, that I ought to have some good quality food in for Bill. And we walked all the way to Marks and Spencers - actually not very far. But I was slow and with balance poor I had my stick for support. Bill was marching ahead - he likes striding and counting paving stones.
I got into M and S only to feel to confused to think.
We left - back through the Memorial Gardens and all the way back to The High Street where the car was parked.
But we did need some food and so went to Asda, where we could park outside and where everything is familiar.
Home to rest.
But first, oh of my most embarassing events happened. Not happened for a long time. No more details - promise!
And suddenly I felt a bit better.
That pain round the ribs continues, but I felt just  a little more alert.
But yes, I did rest.....more doodling.
Bill slept a while.
He was noisy again when he came down - ignore him Paula!
I gather the evening bad behaviour is quite typical of dementia sufferers. And it is so hard to ignore.
Never mind. Another day got through - all the days feel so surreal just now. I don't quite recognise my life.