Thursday, April 17, 2014


A time to grieve.

There are 2 crazy brains in this house - I don't seem to be getting mine in order at all.
I still feel so lifeless and fragile - don't want to think, don't want to do anything, don't want to eat. The last of those three is most worrying - not a common symptom for me.
I have had a rice cake and some soup and then a lovely treat that went down well.

It's a mango sorbet from Lidl - it comes in a plastic wine glass.
Yes, very good - but filled me up.

There have been times when I have felt both defeated and confused.
I like to be in control and that has been snatched from me.
But it's not just that which is dragging me down. I think I am touching on grief. Quite deep grief.
I am filled with some remorse now that I had no understanding of how losing a spouse can affect somebody. However much you are told that time is a great healer - you still have to work through that time.
It is hell.
I have lost my husband and not said goodbye yet because there is somebody here who looks like my man and can be lovely like my man. But for much of the day what I actually see and hear is a noisy,  naughty toddler. The last 4 hours have been pretty bad.
We both need time away from each other - but I feel bad thinking that.
Hell's teeth woman - a couple of days day care is not a life changing act and can be altered if it feels wrong!
Jenny has helped today as far as it is possible. The number I was given for Social Services is wrong - OK, I might have written it down wrong. She tried ringing SS at Chichester - who also failed to get through to Crawley. She has done the best she could by sending an EMail to describe what I am going through. At some point - down the line - somebody will come and assess Bill's needs and maybe mine.
Bet you he behaves perfectly!
He has behaved well for a while today - not too bad when Mags was with me. And he has hung up laundry and dealt with what was on the clothes horse.
I started to think I was getting it wrong.
Mags is one of my oldest school friends - though there are one or two who are a tiny bit older than Mags and me, and we live quite close together.
We have talked and talked. She has some problems coping with her man - not the same problems as I do - but our joint frustrations flowed over.
And bless her, she brought me gifts - a hand made card, a plant and one you might have caught a glimpse of in the first photograph.

Difficult taking a "selfie" of one's own hand.
I love the bracelet and will wear it lots and lots.
The main beads are haematite which are said to have very positive qualities.

There has been good news today.
Bill has been passed fit enough to have his groin hernia sorted - probably quite soon.
And Clare has now been invited to the appointment with the gender specialist in 4 weeks. I hope the next lot of treatment need not be deferred any more.
Clare has just produced latest episodes of her blog - and this time the theme is not gender or faith based.
You might like to look at the photography.

OK - the first part mentions a gender issue.

It fills me with joy to see her blossoming.

Oh well, in the pattern of how life must be - I got through another day.
There is another one tomorrow.
I intend to get Bill to the Friday group for a while, I wouldn't want him to miss an Easter egg hunt - not that he knows there is one. Nor does he know he has been to the Friday group before and certainly not what he did there.