Monday, September 30, 2013


meat safe

Oooh tired!
Maybe it is more tiring not having lots of things to rearrange at the shop. I have been sitting for most of the day - lots of chatting with Steve.
Good company.
I wrote up a  pile of books which are now on the shelf.
This morning we just were not busy; by lunchtime we had taken the princely sum of £14.
The afternoon was busier and culminated in selling my meat safe - the one I bought just 8 days ago.
Bill took my parcels to be posted. Five items sold yesterday afternoon and five items now on their way to new homes.

The Cadbury's Roses tin sold during the week.

The person who bought the meat safe will be back. She just loved my section.

Sunday, September 29, 2013



Now, this evening, I feel a fraud! All that whining and complaining last night....was it necessary?
I am sure many have experienced taking a child to the doctor, who was very, very poorly only to find that suddenly they seem to be perfectly well. The parent then assumes that the doctor is judging them as neurotic and guilt sets in.
That's how it is this evening.
I have had a lovely day with Bill.
I have heard him clapping just once! (Twice now....he has gone up to bed and having a little clap to himself)
I am virtually 100% certain that he never reads my blog; but wouldn't it be wonderful if he had read it and then chose to control his behaviour to please me?
I am not that stupid! I guess it has just been a good day.
We both went out this morning to Brighton.
The stalls at Brighton Racecourse are less now than in the height of summer; but getting there early and paying more than I think is reasonable for early admittance, does add to the pleasure.
There are not too many people and the stalls have everything that has been brought to sell.
I didn't buy very much - but, as ever, I am pleased with what I have.

That was not taken today......and is not one of my photographs.
Bare arms and shorts in this picture. It was very breezy this morning - almost chilly, despite some sunshine.
The first stall we came to had hats and gloves and we bought a hat each and I bought some finger less very warm mitts.

Soon we were off down to The Marina. On the top floor of the multi storey car park is a large range of stalls on a Sunday morning.
Bill bought 4 model cars......that was pleasing. It was good to have him showing an interest.
I bought a pair of Hush Puppy boots for £4. They should see me through this winter.

And on into The West Quay for Bill's eggs benedict and my breakfast wrap.

This was the view from our table.

This afternoon I had some things finishing on EBay.
One of the items was the 1897 diary that had been kept by a ship's doctor. It had attracted loads of interest.
Ten minutes before the sale ended I told my brother it would sell for £52.
It sold for just over £115.
That was so good and begins to make the funds for the next trip to Thailand look just a little more healthy.

We had a roast dinner this evening. Yummy!

So I am feeling relaxed and happy.
But stupid has little common sense.
When brain feels down it thinks that's how it will be forever. And when brain is feeling good, it can't seem to look ahead and understand that it was just one good day.
There will be other good days of course.......but if I am depending on Bill to supply the good days, then  I am doomed to some disappointments.

But I haven't been disappointed with the good wishes I have received as a result of my outburst.
Thank you everybody.
Writing things down has long been a useful tool to me when stressed.
Thank you for reading and caring.

Saturday, September 28, 2013


Living with dementia.

I don't enjoy days like this one has been.
I haven't been anywhere or seen anybody.
Prepare yourself for mournfulness!
Before bedtime last night, Bill seemed to suggest he was up for going out this morning. But when the alarm went I could sense that he had changed his bed until about half past ten.
That's the easy bit for me - peaceful.
I reassured Bill that I didn't mind not going to Ford again today, because I had lots to do at home.
And that was no lie.
I sorted photographs and descriptions for more Ebay items.
The 1946 Rupert Annual had bids within minutes.......and the bidding must go higher.
I have also cleared a lot from the dining room table, written up and priced ready for the shop.
I made toasted sandwiches at lunchtime - set the smoke alarm off! I realised that this was something else I must know to switch it off.
"Show me, Bill".
We scurried up the stairs and he stood there - not sure how to turn it off. After a few bangs at it, the beeping did stop; but he didn't know enough to tell me.
Bill also looked at his account book. he has always kept very careful accounts - of our moneys in and out.
It all gets written down in his book. It has been like that for 50 years.
In August it seemed to get very muddled and abandoned.
I sort of took over in September - writing down everything that was paid by credit card.
I suggested that I completely took it over - but Bill thought that wouldn't be right.
But he never did sort out September accounts. He abandoned it, blaming the bank for sending out a different form of statement,
He did go out and clean the car.
Generally I feel rather depressed. It is not a fear of the future that is dragging me down, though Lord knows where the future will take me.
It is every waking moment that depresses me.
The clapping, tapping, smacking his arms and legs rhythmically and making noises with his mouth just drives me up the wall.
Every time I hear the clapping as England football supporters almost hurts my heart.
And he has never been a football supporter!
I feel much the same when Bill goes out to the garden to hunt for slugs to throw them off our patch. It's like it is his hobby.
I can almost cope with the memory many times has he asked me "What are we doing tomorrow?"
The answer was always the same - we will go to a car boot sale, either to buy or to sell. If Ruth had been ready we would have gone with her to sell.
But she isn't - so we will got to Brighton to buy.
Bill says he will come with me.
Life with Bill feels rather empty. He was never a great conversationalist, not good at expressing views and opinions.....but now there is nothing.
He is not interested in other people. he looks at my facebook and enjoys some of the jokes and videos people send.
He chuckles at jokes in adverts on TV.
Does it sound too dramatic to say that I feel a bit like a widow, but still have a living husband?
Already I don't have the husband that I had.
And I fear it will be much worse in the future. After all there are  still many things that Bill can do, sometimes even without prompting.
He is in charge of washing up. He has mown the lawn, washed the car and other tasks.
He can drive the car.
He knows who everybody is....... not sure where they live or what they do with life.
After we have been to the memory clinic on Friday next, I must begin the process of finding somebody to act as power of attorney for him, if I should pass on or become sick.
I may even look ahead to a time when he might need more professional care than I can give him.
Ifield Park would be my nursing home of choice, I think.
I hate this disease that he has - and officially I don't even know what it is yet!
Somehow I must put the hate and negativity to one side; it won't change anything for Bill and it is no doubt making things worse for me.
I live in a constant state of anxiety with him - never knowing how long a peaceful spell will last.
Maybe an outpouring of words will help stem the inner screaming for me.

Friday, September 27, 2013


Friday things.

"Where do I have to go?"
He must have asked that more than half a dozen times.
Blood tests have always been done at the hospital........and so off we went.
Very quickly it was done and Bill could eat again.
I decided he could make up for missing Littlehampton yesterday, by going to Horley for his eggs Benedict.
Now he's talking about going down to Ford tomorrow. Well, if he wants to, I will be happy.
This afternoon B was out mowing the meadows......that has to be how I describe our lawns.
I was out in the garage.
There is a possibility that we will be doing a boot sale on Sunday.....have  a pitch next to sister R and her boys.
A lot depends on whether she can get her stuff ready......and the weather.
My stuff is now ready - so any time will do.
And that has been today.
I have been thinking about Uncle Gordon whose funeral it was today.
He's not my uncle - he belongs to my sister in law in Wiltshire.
I didn't meet Uncle Gordon very often, but I enjoyed the way his eyes sparkled and he almost flirted with me.

Thursday, September 26, 2013


Ford and Littlehampton.

Six years ago I went to Thailand on my own, leaving Bill at home.
"Aren't you brave?" people said.
Somehow, I didn't feel it was any big deal really.
And yet, on days like today, when I drove down to Ford and then into Littlehampton on my own, it felt a little bit daring.
But I also felt a tremendous sense of freedom and peace.
I filled the trolley with all sorts of things that hopefully will make some money in the shop.

Before I went to Littlehampton, I called in at Ford Prison. It is an open prison where prisoners are given useful work to do, learn trades etc.
The prisoners have gardens to work in and sell the produce  and plants in the shop.
Lovely runner beans!

I bought  a paper to take into The George, where I ordered toast and jam and had 2 mugs of tea for £2.09. I was there for an hour or so, relaxing.
Then I went for a walk - along the river and along the beach.

Harbour reflection. As seen in the dirty window of the old green hut by the river.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013


Shermanbury Walk. Sussex.

The walk went wrong; it was meant to be a short stroll of a mile or so.
We allowed ourselves a detour and then later got lost.
We have one of the new large scale maps - but somehow footpaths on the map don't always tally with footpaths on the ground.
We walked much further than planned. Sometimes we were not on footpaths at all and generally we lost a sense of direction. The worst bit was when we fought our way through shoulder high stinging nettles and reeds towards a footbridge which linked with a footpath that we thought should be the one.
I was sure we must be heading towards The Bull, but we were walking further and further away.
I have tried to trace our route on the map, but I am still unsure.
I think we must have been heading towards Wineham or Twineham.
Fortunately a gentleman came out of his house, wondering just what we ere doing there and directed us back the way we had come and how we could find the path back to The Bull.
Relief......but it was a long way back.
My pictures seem to reflect our pleasures more than our anxiety and weary legs.

The River Adur.
The bridge over The Adur is just yards from The Bull.
The area and the bridge are known as Mockbridge.
This is believed to derive from an early word for donkey....."moke".

A short distance from the bridge we came to the bridleway and gates which led across Shermanbury Park and would reach the church.
It has been a tarred road, but these days is in less good repair.

We got a bit side tracked by dead or dying trees.

Shermanbury Place.
Half a mile or more away from the main road,

The church is next door to Shermanbury Place.

And next door on the other side we find an abandoned garage/stables.

There were just 2 houses lived in at this point......far from civilisation! Well, quite far from The Bull and much further from the thriving communities of Henfield or Partridge Green.

I am guessing this little beauty who almost dared me to disturb him, lived in one of the houses.

And so we crossed back over The River Adur.
It should have been so easy to find the footpath that we wanted. But we didn't.
"Surely it should go over there" we mused.
So we struggled across a field of tufted grasses and reeds, very uneven and I feared twisting my ankle and falling.
And once "over there", we knew we were wrong. I just didn't want to struggle back across that field; not when we could see a footbridge about 50 yards away, which surely would be on the right footpath!
And so it was that we hacked a path through a "jungle" - a jungle of tall reeds, stinging nettles and other tall plants.
It was hard going......but we felt it would be worth it.
And yes, we found a footpath.
Now we would soon be back............or not!
I had not bothered with my camera as we made a path through the "jungle" - my arms were held up, to avoid the stinging nettles.

The footpath was better - but very overgrown.

We saw prosperous farms, but no people.
We did deviate from designated footpaths - going towards one of the farms instead.
As we passed cottages - not agricultural labourers cottages these days - we were spotted.
A gentleman was a bit suspicious of us.....he could sense that were in the wrong place.
But he was helpful and told us how to get back to The retracing our steps for some distance.
That is so depressing - retracing steps when you are beginning to feel tired.

And here was the place where we turned on to the path we should have been on in the first place.

We knew it was right because we were greeted by a smiley face!

Cows in the water meadows by Mockbridge.

Just a weary climb over the stile and back to The Bull.

I have to admit that I still can't make Shermanbury out.
Along the main road are  three plots of bungalows, 1920s or 30s , I would guess.
There are some big house and flourishing farms - all tucked away from the main road.
What sort of community was it centuries ago? Indeed what sort of community is it now?

I have been to Shermanbury  before in my life - over 50 years ago.
I have been in Shermanbury Grange twice.
The religious knowledge teacher in my school created jazz services and such like, Great fun and attracted quite a lot of interest.
I can't remember exactly what we did at Shermanbury Grange - except that I presume we thought it was "good works".
At that time The Grange housed a school, a sort of reform school for wayward girls.
It must have touched me because I asked if I could befriend one of the girls. And so Helen and I wrote letters to each other. I must have been a pain to Helen - with talk of my weekends, my friends, my boyfriends and crushes. She would have nothing to write other than her routine.I gather from some research that life for the girls wasn't always good - probably a lot of bullying.
I hope Helen wasn't bullied because of her "posh" friend.
I went to visit her just once.
I spent the afternoon with her and some other girls. They were friendly I know.......but I guess they were aware that I was far removed from their world. It wasn't that I felt superior, I just was too naive to understand.
I hope Helen has done well. Hard to think that she would be about 70 now.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013


The Bull at Shermanbury.

Today we had a trip to Shermanbury.
What is Shermanbury? Well, nominally it is a village, but I didn't see it as that. There is some ribbon development of bungalows along the main road and some big houses tucked away.
The small church is even more tucked away.
We started out walk at The Bull - but that was after a happy lunch in a great country pub.
The walk was longer than we wanted, because despite large scale maps, we lost footpaths. But more of that tomorrow.
For now we can stay at The Bull.

What a lovely thing to do with baskets!

I am keeping this in mind for the antiques shop in Dorking.

The Bull has its own skittle alley.
Lovely old wooden skittles and bowls.

Bill is just posing.
We would love to have a game one day - but not just before lunch would reach our table.

Bill had a pizza - a small lunchtime pizza.
There are about 20 pizzas on the menu and each can be freshly prepared.
Bill had a herdsman's pizza topped with bacon, mushrooms, sausage, egg and slices of fresh tomato (the latter he gave to me).

I had pasta and meatballs - also freshly prepared.

There is a huge garden with seating - mostly picnic tables, which I find very uncomfortable.
There is a great playground at the far end of the garden. I look forward to taking my nephews there sometime.

This was the cheery sight that greeted as we finally made our way back.......just got climb over the stile first.
We didn't stop for a second drink because I wondered when the little farm shop close by would close.
I wanted to buy wine.

St Hugh's Charterhouse is, I guess just outside the Shermanbury boundary.
The monks have a stunning building - though I have only ever seen the tall steeple which is  local landmark,
We had a a glass of the apple wine this evening and it is very good.

Monday, September 23, 2013


Mostly Bill's things

I've been busy.
There have been things to arrange in the shop - my new things that I found over the weekend.
And then I decided to rearrange Bill's open shelves.
There have been customers too - good to see Bill successfully dealing with them.
Steve has been in too - being busy on some renovation work and starting to sort out his section.

I thought my birdcage looked really good as part of the new window display.

Bother - I now see something that I forgot to put a price ticket on today.

When Bill is dealing with customers it is easy to forget that he has problems; but I can think of two more examples of blank memory from today.
I mentioned, to Steve, that our Thai daughter in law has a son from a previous relationship. Bill claimed never to have known this.                

I was indoors all day - didn't go anywhere outside the shop.
So I didn't realise what a lovely day it turned out to be.
It should be much the same tomorrow, so I plan that we will go out in the afternoon.

Sunday, September 22, 2013



I enjoyed a morning out. I hope Bill enjoyed a morning in bed.
I enjoyed strolling amongst the stalls in a field below Devil's Dyke.
And I found things.

Taking centre stage is a meat safe. It is the second one I have had like this. I think it dates from the 1930s.
I also bought 3 more pounds of Victoria plums. The ones from Stella and others I bought yesterday have all gone. It seems that Bill took relishes Victoria plums.
I bought 2 jars of plum jam too, for 75p each.......even if you have a plum tree to supply the fruit there can't have been much profit for the seller.
And I was happy to meet up with 2 old friends, Lee and Louise. They are just young enough for me to have known them when I did supply teaching at the local school in the 1970s. They are lovely people.

After a quick lunch we, at last, got birthday presents to my nephew......he is now just 5 years old.
Presents from Monkland tend to be of the second hand variety but appreciated nevertheless.
I presume the previous owner didn't appreciate the remote controlled rat.....brand new, never been out of the box.
Otto and his brother certainly appreciated it!

On the way home we popped into Asda - I decided to get in some supplies of soft food to ease the sore mouth.
It has felt a bit better today - I shall have to persevere with the good mouthwash and the adult gel for ores in the mouth; and try not to allow the bottom teeth to continally push up on the top plate.
So, I have soya milk and soya yoghurt and some soft oats which I can have for breakfast.
Came out with more than that, of course.

Things I want to take to the shop are now in the car and I shall have to right them up and price them during the day tomorrow.
I fancy a restful evening now.
Will I sleep through The Antiques Road show?

Saturday, September 21, 2013


Some good, some bad.

Some things good and somethings bad.
Life is like that and today certainly was.
I have felt in some distress at my permanent dentures.....I have  a mouth full of plastic and now I have sore spots. I think the teeth maybe are adding to any underlying anxiety that I feel about life at the moment. Will they be  a problem for ever?
Why not? My teeth have been causing problems for a long time now.
Against all I wanted I felt I just had to go toothless this afternoon.
And of course the few existing teeth are still capable of causing did just that today.
A filling broke off from one of the teeth onto which the bottom plate is clipped.
Next week there will be another visit to the dentist.

But I managed to put the problems to one side as I browsed at Ford. We don't like it there as much on Saturdays - Thursdays are more relaxed.
I found it hard to find things.....and when I did the sellers wanted the same amount of money that I would be wanting; it's not much good if I can make no profit out of my purchases.
Bill gave up and went and sat in the car.....carrying my small piece of furniture back for me.

I also bought the handkerchief vase on the top this morning;
and I bought 6 cups and saucers like the one featured on the left - and the West German pottery vase on the left was found at Ford this morning.

We really didn't feel like doing much after our breakfast - no walking and exploring today.
All I wanted to do was get home and get those teeth out of my mouth.

This afternoon I sorted some more photos from 2007.
One folder contained a walk (short walk) round the next village to us, Pease Pottage. I posted them on the memories of Crawley site. I enjoy the interest this generates and the extra information that comes back to me.

The diary kept by a ship's doctor in 1893 is now sold - well, it has its first bid.
This was before  got round to adding to the description; EBay don't allow changes once a bid has been made.
Thanks to both family and friends I now know the name of the ship that the good doctor sailed on.

The best good news came later in the day........number 39 has arrived. Isabel Jane is our 39th great niece/nephew; obviously Isabel is a great niece.

Right time for bed. I will attempt to drag Bill out to another car boot sale in the morning. He said he would come.......but maybe he will change his mind. That's OK.
I must go and get the dentures back in.......they can settle in a bit as I sleep and maybe won't feel so bad tomorrow.

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