Thursday, March 27, 2014


Beyond the limit.

I am so tired!
Bill makes me tired.
Pain makes me tired too.
Today the pain got really bad. It was like I remember from 20 years ago when pancreatitis first flared in my life.
I have been trying to ignore it or make the best of things since the weekend when it flared again.
I have been happy and busy, but the more I ignored it, the stronger it got.
Tomorrow I have an appointment with the doctor and probably some of what I planned to talk about will be deferred until another time.If I take the strong painkillers early enough it need not get unbearable.
But Bill is being unbearable. This evening has been too much.
I am very aware that my reactions to him might be the root cause of the present flare up of pain.

But as usual I wanted normality - a need that was stronger than my reaction to the pain.
Rolf and I went to Ford.
It was a dull day, with some showers and the boot sale seemed dull today - not what I would call "buzzing".
I bought some things - including a French bread box - for long baguette loaves.
We then went to Littlehampton for breakfast and chatted with a few people I know.
We walked by the river and on the beach.
And I got Rolf to pose on the curly long seat.

Maybe I shouldn't have laid down on the curvy wooden slats. I felt uncomfortable and could hardly get up. The pain got worse.
By the time we got back home I was desperate for strong painkillers.
Since then it has been easier.

Rolf found that his adaptor was a bit broken and we needed to get another before he could use the high pressure cleaner.
So - a trip to B and Q. We also took the now empty composter to Pam.
Rolf began by cleaning  the front path - now back to the oirginal Yorkshire stone colour.
He has made a start on the paving at the back.
Later Rolf made lovely pizzas for us.
Bill has continued to drive me more than crazy.
If he continues like this I shall be more than willing to have him in a home.
I felt real hate this evening. How dare he make my life a misery?
How dare he constantly upset me with his noise and his poking?  How dare he not know how it feels to be in pain? How dare he laugh in that manic way so much - so often?
Nothing you do is funny Bill - it just gets more and more upsetting.
So upsetting that for a brief moment I turned on him and attacked him with my fists.
I hate this - dreading his every waking moment, dreading him coming into the same room as me, dreading knowing that tomorrow will be no better than week will be no better than this week and gradually things will be worse.
So next week I shall be discussing day care centres.......I cannot live with him 24 hours a day and stay well and stay sane.
Tonight I feel neither well or sane.