Saturday, March 22, 2014


Like an overwound spring.

Not the easiest of days.

This is what I just wrote for TP; TP is Talking Point, the online Dementia Forum - gosh we share lots on that forum.

It hasn't been such a bad day really.....though Bill has not done very well today.
 I always say that I can cope with the memory loss - I can be his brain for him. But the repetition of forgotten things is tedious isn't it?
A family trip to the Bluebell Railway has been organised for tomorrow - only 5 of us, so not too daunting. Even after checking it out umpteen times today, I think Bill is going to be surprised in the morning to learn where we are going!
But there has been one loud clap or bang too many.......the sharp, staccato style noises feel rather like an attack. One minute peace and the next something akin to a gun shot!
It's been bad all day.
By evening I was over breathing and shaking - a sort of panic attack. Will I explode into foul temper?
He has gone to bed now. Peace - until he comes back down to see where I am.  I shall hear his footsteps on the stairs and his fists on the walls as he descends; my body will go into a sort of frozen panic.
Time to get and fill a wine glass I think. Maybe refill it too. Cheers everybody!

Now to add a few details.
The sky was clear when we left home. I had asked Bill if he wanted to come to Ford and Littlehampton and he said he would accompany me. Maybe it would have been better for both of us if he hadn't.
Though I have to say he was useful to have around at the car boot sale.
It was showery at Ford - heavy showers with dark black skies and it was chilly.
But I did find another kitchen table for the shop.
It was a heavy kitchen table. Bill though he could carry it - but he did concede that it might be better to use one of the organiser's trolleys.
I shall have a bit of a re-arrange in my section in readiness for the table which we can take in on Tuesday.
Then we went to Littlehampton.
I had been pleased to see that they had some curries left from the curry club day.
But the chicken korma was somewhat tasteless and in the end I didn't enjoy it very much.
And Bill had to make do with instant coffee. Their coffee machine had broken down and all they could offer was free instant coffee.
Even in the pub, Bill was restless and banging. I hate it in public.
Being chilly we came straight home - didn't even see the sea.

At home, Bill had a doze. maybe I should have done too.
He did say he wouldn't accompany me to Asda - but in the end he did.
I wanted ingredients for a slow cooker meal on Monday. I will have been out all day and an old friend is arriving early evening to stay for a few days.
I had thought of a take away - but if I get the meal prepared on Sunday evening, it would feel better to have cooked something.
Take aways and eating out can happen on other days whilst Rolf is with us.
Oh - and eating meals that Rolf prepares too!

By evening I really had tensed up.
I must get him to be peaceful......
I planned some drawing. But could I find the box with pens, pencils, paints and sketch pads etc? No!
That upset me because the box contains my art efforts when I was being treated for cancer.
They are precious to me.
So more tension for me and every clap and bang cut me like a knife.
What a relief when Bill went to bed at half past eight. Maybe he won't come down again.
I did find the art box in the end - so the drawing idea is back on the agenda. I don't want to push too hard - but I hope he might find it satisfying.