Saturday, January 18, 2014


Let it Be.

Let it Be.... a favourite Beatles song. Words of wisdom for me to aim at. I can always half visualise that it is my own Mother Mary who whispers those words of wisdom..
Feeling drained.....feeling almost empty.
Emotionally drained. My life has to revolve around Bill's emptiness.
I had a plan for the day.
"Where are we going?" Over and over again.
Rhythmical hitting of his big round loud. It surely must hurt when he does it on bare skin?
Every surface he passes has to be banged.
But we did go to Cuckfield and I bought well from one stall......maybe she was having a January sale.
I have a lot of cookery booklets...including 1930s issues of Home and Kitchen, the magazine of the Brown and Polson Cookery Club.
I also bought 3 booklets detailing property sales in the 1920s.
I don't think they are relevant to family history, but my brother would know that best.
One book is about the sale of Coxdown Farm, near South Binns and Rocks Farm plus 2 cottages Keepers Knowle and Ivy Cottages at Bigknowle.
I assume these places are close to Heathfield - home of ancestors. The auction was held in Heathfield in 1922.
Another is about the sale of Upper and Lower Lowlands Farms in Buxted - my Grandfather came from Buxted.
Also for sale was Pottens Mill Farm in Heathfield.
The 3rd  booklet describes the farm for sale in Burwash - Holton Farm.
If not of family interest these will be put onto EBay and maybe might end up with a family who have interest in those places.

We had a cup of tea and cake in Cuckfield at the fair - just a plain slice of victoria sponge and a not hot enough cup of tea. Wish we hadn't bothered.
But then why bother?
"Not as good as the cake we had yesterday, Bill?" I said with relish.
"Did we have cake yesterday?"
I described the cake......."If you say so".
Why bother?

This afternoon I began writing up things bought on Thursday and today.
I shall have most ready to take to the shop on Monday.

I cooked a roast dinner for this evening.

I was about to abandon the TV when I found I was watching the opening of The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe.
I have never see the film all the way through.
To me it was always a book and my enduring memory of it is me sitting on the teacher's desk, book in hand and thoroughly enjoying reading to the class at the end of the school day.
I had to experiment a bit with the TV remote - at first I thought I couldn't record a programme half way through.
Finally I found out how to do it.....I have 45 minutes to watch sometime tomorrow.

And all through the day I have grumbled and wittered on about living with my man.
"I don't know why you are grumbling," he said....."there must be something wrong with your brain"
I guess there is something wrong with my brain - it doesn't know how to relax and just let things be.
The only way to survive must be to let things be.
I would find it easier if Bill could acknowledge the changes in him. But it seems that won't happen - and I should be glad if feels no panic and fears about the future.
108 hours until we see the specialist.