Sunday, December 01, 2013
Anxiety is tiring.
I try to be good.
I try every day, day after day. Sometimes I fail and by this evening I was failing big time.
So many waking moments with Bill try my patience. That is hard to deal with minute by minute.
This evening I panicked, as I looked ahead. The future can seem like a long bleak tunnel leading into the dark.
I explain that I need company - somebody to talk to. He replies that I can talk to him. Well, yes - but when do I get a meaningful conversation?
This evening, with my panic levels rising, as he clapped away, staring at me for a reaction, I exploded! Yes, he got a reaction!
At first all I got was the awful cackling laugh that he has adopted.
It was when I shouted at him to go away and leave me in peace, he could see maybe that he had over stepped the mark and went to bed.
Now I feel guilty.
He did so much for me during severe physical illness and quite a mental breakdown on my part.
Poor Bill for those days and for these days too - he really hasn't much idea of what is going on.
He doesn't know that life is very different for me now. I do almost everything, including his thinking for him.
He doesn't realise how little he does or can do.
..............................................
My musing at the keyboard had to stop.
Normally these days I avoid talking about my lack of normal bodily functions - too much information and all that!
But, feeling confused and upset I had to deal with the reality of a leaking stoma bag.
Bloomin' life!
I suppose I feel pleased that the main part of Christmas shopping is done. get it done, I thought. I charged round Hobbycraft finding things for children to do.
Just get it done!
On Tuesday a parcel will be sent to Thailand.
Oh well, tomorrow is another day - a day in the shop. Another day to worry about Bill's behaviour in front of customers. Just 5 more Mondays when Bill will be at the shop.
Time for bed - anxiety is very tiring.
I try every day, day after day. Sometimes I fail and by this evening I was failing big time.
So many waking moments with Bill try my patience. That is hard to deal with minute by minute.
This evening I panicked, as I looked ahead. The future can seem like a long bleak tunnel leading into the dark.
I explain that I need company - somebody to talk to. He replies that I can talk to him. Well, yes - but when do I get a meaningful conversation?
This evening, with my panic levels rising, as he clapped away, staring at me for a reaction, I exploded! Yes, he got a reaction!
At first all I got was the awful cackling laugh that he has adopted.
It was when I shouted at him to go away and leave me in peace, he could see maybe that he had over stepped the mark and went to bed.
Now I feel guilty.
He did so much for me during severe physical illness and quite a mental breakdown on my part.
Poor Bill for those days and for these days too - he really hasn't much idea of what is going on.
He doesn't know that life is very different for me now. I do almost everything, including his thinking for him.
He doesn't realise how little he does or can do.
..............................................
My musing at the keyboard had to stop.
Normally these days I avoid talking about my lack of normal bodily functions - too much information and all that!
But, feeling confused and upset I had to deal with the reality of a leaking stoma bag.
Bloomin' life!
I suppose I feel pleased that the main part of Christmas shopping is done. get it done, I thought. I charged round Hobbycraft finding things for children to do.
Just get it done!
On Tuesday a parcel will be sent to Thailand.
Oh well, tomorrow is another day - a day in the shop. Another day to worry about Bill's behaviour in front of customers. Just 5 more Mondays when Bill will be at the shop.
Time for bed - anxiety is very tiring.
