Sunday, November 24, 2013



The dining room table is clear!
Today has been a day for tidying and feeling sorted.
My wardrobe has been sorted.
And above all documents have been gone through. Bill had a bit of system for all relevant paper work. But I didn't know really what was in the box files.
He doesn't know either.
I can tell you that a lot of irrelevant paperwork was still stored. Stuff relating to things way back.
I have been through lots of it and now I must resolve to make sure that I keep on top of things which are relevant.
There is still more to do.
On Tuesday I will be able to get the house deeds to the solicitor and fork out more money.
But being in control of inanimate things is the easy part.
Today - and yesterday, has been difficult.
Almost constant rhythmical noise, puffing like a steam train, tapping, clapping.....gosh some of the claps are very loud.
The kitchen floor is echoey if you pace up and down hard.
The noises cut through me.
I am sure it all sounds very minor when you read these words and I sound very impatient.
Remember - there is no conversation from Bill; except to ask me things over and over again.
I decided this afternoon that I really had to get out - maybe Bill would behave better in company. I invited his sister, Pam to join us for tea and cake at New House Farm shop.
I complicated things by needing to post a letter on our way to pick up Pam.
So he forgot where he was going and where she lived.
Then "Where are we going next?"
So many times he asked that.
He didn't behave better with Pam. He steam trained us ( strong expelling of air from the mouth ) through the journey. Tapped on the table at the cafe and made noises to a toddler. No interest or ability in any conversation.
Then as we were leaving he went to straighten chairs at the other tables where the cafe girl was beginning to clear up for the day. Yes, a desire to be helpful maybe - but inappropriate.
The only positive is that Pam can now see just how awful it can be.
If only he would actually do some of the things he knows he ought to do and says he ought to do.
He has mentioned about cleaning the car for, I would guess, three weeks now. I suggested he got out there and did it today. Surely achieving something would make him feel good.
But he didn't do it.
It was too cold! No it wasn't! Just a November day with a bit of a chilly wind.
He just froze at the thought of doing it. He cannot begin anything. I asked him to phone his sister earlier and he couldn't.
Sorry - feeling sad tonight.
And frightened. Where will this end - and when?