Thursday, November 07, 2013



I have not felt good this week.....craving the company and the life provided by Clare last week.
Anxiety seemed to increase each day this week and today, I hope, may have peaked.
Tuesday was a home day and I spent time going through all the documents from the solicitor. I have contacted them about some minor mistakes - there just should not be mistakes in a legal document.
The forms have been signed as asked and our wills have been countersigned.
Tomorrow I must deliver them to the solicitor.
During the afternoon I was hunting in the food cupboard for something to go with jacket potatoes. No wonder I couldn't find anything. The shelves in the corner cupboard which rotate were piled high. They tended not to turn well, because things had fallen off the shelves and blocked the turning.
There was just too much in there.
There were too many things that had seemed like a good idea, but had long past their sell by date. I am not totally fussy about sell by dates really, but decided that if the stuff was never going to be eaten by us then it might as well go.
I got Bill to help me.
I never did find what I was looking for, so we had tuna and baked beans with our jacket potatoes.
Yesterday we took the reject packets and stuff to the dump.
I went to the hospital for routine blood and wee tests.
We visited Bill's sister, Jane.
This morning the plan had been to get up early and go to Ford.
I got up early and Bill didn't.
Suddenly everything that makes me feel despair about Bill's condition tumbled out of me. I sobbed ( away from Bill) for half an hour and so I was late setting off.
But I knew that going out would be best for me.
Bill may have no interest in things now - but I must continue to live as fully as possible.
I bought lots of books and kitchen items for the shop.
It was good to know that contentment was seeping back into my system.
It felt kind of odd going off to Littlehampton on my own - though I have done it before.
I didn't really want to sit and eat alone.
I asked John - 84 year old John who has had a fascinating life, if I could sit with him. We chatted for a long time. Oh chat! How I long for chat with Bill.
And I realised that chat was needed.
I needed to know what he wants of me and how I can help. I don't think I got an answer to that. He has never really seen past his own nose and he he really can't see what the problem is now.
"Life will just carry on as normal"
We did talk about the shop.
"Well, I suppose I will just carry on"
There was no answer.
Do you want to carry on for the pleasure it gives you or the profit you make? He actually makes no profit.
Finally, he conceded that it didn't give him much pleasure either.
I think the decision is made.
I felt better for having made an attempt at both of us understanding what is going on.
My anxiety increased with a letter from the company with whom we had a small shares portfolio which I wanted to clear and put the money in the bank.
A couple of weeks ago they said they would need somebody to act as a temporary power of attorney to release something that was in Bill's name. We got a sister to sign up for that. The letter today said that they needed some official documentation from Pam to be certified by an official person.
Oh bother, bother, bother!
I managed to persuade Bill, that with my help, maybe he could by pass this temporary power of attorney need and ask them himself to release the money.
But first, I just checked the bank account online......"Yes! - I thought I had seen it......the money is already in the bank account."
That's all I wanted. I think I can ignore the letter that came today.
Soon, I hope, I will have the legal and financial things organised. I have been way out of my previous experience doing all this.
And soon I hope we will be seeing the neurology consultant. What will we be told?. I have now told Bill some of the possibilities that we might learn of and that things might be controlled but may never actually improve.
I have to face it that the miserable reactions and thoughts of this morning are things I must live with. I feel more lonely sometimes when Bill is with me than when I am on my own.
If you have rambled through all this with me....thank you.
Don't worry too much for me. I understand very well that when things can't be changed you have to learn to change and accept how things are.