Friday, November 20, 2009
What should I write?
What to write?
My brain feels lifeless tonight - not in the depressed sort of way, but just tired.
Yes, I can sit here and remember this evening in 1996. Was I at a computer that evening? I think we were computer users then.
The weather was different - cold it was.
The phone rang about 10 o'clock ..... my Dad had died.
What would he want me to do?
I had been trained not to allow matters of life and death to be major issues. At least that was what I perceived to be the training.
Suddenly it didn't matter what Dad wanted. I wanted to see him.
So I went to him and I combed his hair. ..... just as I had done so often as a little girl.
He had begun to see my life evolve into something new after my terrible illness when death threatened me so closely.
I am glad that he saw me blossom a little as a dealer in antiques centres.
Shame that he never knew the great grandchildren that our sons produced - but then my Mum never knew the sons either.
But whatever the events of a life and a death the generations move from one to the other.
There is to be another great grandchild next year.
Life is full of tragedies that we would wish had not happened. But in truth I do not regret my Dad passing from us that evening 12 years ago.
His heart was failing him and taking away the life that he had created for himself.
He was still active, despite health problems. But he saw that he could live on, losing more and more strength - and he dreaded that.
So Dad - if you are aware of who I am now, be proud of me please.
Of course I wonder how you are explaining it - explaining that you are still aware of me beyond the grave! If you are.
I have no big achievements to offer you.
I am just happy to be alive and have the freedom to explore this and that as I continue on my journey.
I never wanted to climb up the rungs of any ladder. Maybe I never believed I could.
But I am doing well - really I am.
Would you believe that I am now an international dealer?
Parcels to Turkey, France and the USA today.
Would you be amazed at how people are communicating with each other these days?
Of course you knew about computers - but you never knew that a computer would become one of life's necessities for so many.
Through a computer we found your ancestors and your sister. Shame you never knew.
And tomorrow is another day. I move on with the desire to be a strong old lady.
Others, like you, will forever see this day as a sad anniversary.
Frieda, next door, lost her Ted on this date just the year before we lost you.
There was a policeman lost in horrendous floods in Cumbria today.
Polly told us on facebook about the death of her Godson today. Shame you never knew about Polly - she is a cousin of sorts - she is the great grand daughter of your aunt Nellie.
Jamie has told us too of the death (maybe) of a stranger - stabbed outside his house. The young woman may have survived to tell her tale. a bad experience too for Mam.
I have not heard news of Jo's Peter today - I just pray that this date will not have significance for that family too.
This blog's title suggests that I ramble on aimlessly. Yes, that's my life and my blog.
Time to be aware that I should call a halt!
Goodnight.
My brain feels lifeless tonight - not in the depressed sort of way, but just tired.
Yes, I can sit here and remember this evening in 1996. Was I at a computer that evening? I think we were computer users then.
The weather was different - cold it was.
The phone rang about 10 o'clock ..... my Dad had died.
What would he want me to do?
I had been trained not to allow matters of life and death to be major issues. At least that was what I perceived to be the training.
Suddenly it didn't matter what Dad wanted. I wanted to see him.
So I went to him and I combed his hair. ..... just as I had done so often as a little girl.
He had begun to see my life evolve into something new after my terrible illness when death threatened me so closely.
I am glad that he saw me blossom a little as a dealer in antiques centres.
Shame that he never knew the great grandchildren that our sons produced - but then my Mum never knew the sons either.
But whatever the events of a life and a death the generations move from one to the other.
There is to be another great grandchild next year.
Life is full of tragedies that we would wish had not happened. But in truth I do not regret my Dad passing from us that evening 12 years ago.
His heart was failing him and taking away the life that he had created for himself.
He was still active, despite health problems. But he saw that he could live on, losing more and more strength - and he dreaded that.
So Dad - if you are aware of who I am now, be proud of me please.
Of course I wonder how you are explaining it - explaining that you are still aware of me beyond the grave! If you are.
I have no big achievements to offer you.
I am just happy to be alive and have the freedom to explore this and that as I continue on my journey.
I never wanted to climb up the rungs of any ladder. Maybe I never believed I could.
But I am doing well - really I am.
Would you believe that I am now an international dealer?
Parcels to Turkey, France and the USA today.
Would you be amazed at how people are communicating with each other these days?
Of course you knew about computers - but you never knew that a computer would become one of life's necessities for so many.
Through a computer we found your ancestors and your sister. Shame you never knew.
And tomorrow is another day. I move on with the desire to be a strong old lady.
Others, like you, will forever see this day as a sad anniversary.
Frieda, next door, lost her Ted on this date just the year before we lost you.
There was a policeman lost in horrendous floods in Cumbria today.
Polly told us on facebook about the death of her Godson today. Shame you never knew about Polly - she is a cousin of sorts - she is the great grand daughter of your aunt Nellie.
Jamie has told us too of the death (maybe) of a stranger - stabbed outside his house. The young woman may have survived to tell her tale. a bad experience too for Mam.
I have not heard news of Jo's Peter today - I just pray that this date will not have significance for that family too.
This blog's title suggests that I ramble on aimlessly. Yes, that's my life and my blog.
Time to be aware that I should call a halt!
Goodnight.
