Friday, January 16, 2009
Feeling SAD
This evening I shall write little about the activities of the day - I don't feel I have done very much.
I want to release some negative feelings and words often help.
I am feeling sad - not just a particular sadness but I am suffering from Seasonal Affected Depression - SAD.
It happens almost every winter and some years it is worse than others. I am aware that I have got really low this winter.
It helps a little that there is information about this condition these days and I should be able to avoid feeling guilty about it, which I did do many years ago.
I have been looking at the Internet today and yes - it is all there in the list of SAD symptoms.
Poor sleep - tell me about it.... I didn't get to sleep at all until 4 o'clock ish last night. I feel weary most of the time - lethargy, they say in the list of symptoms.
Social problems - not wanting to see people; yes, I am guilty of that, I even find it hard to pick up the phone.
Craving for carbohydrates and sweet food - even when I feel nauseous I just want to eat!
Feelings of not being able to cope. This afternoon I avoided driving to the post office with a parcel because I felt scared to go on my own!
Feelings of gloom and despondency. I can easily feel weepy - but, honest, I am trying to remember all that I have to be thankful for.
Now, can I pull myself together?
It would help if I had invested in a special SAD lamp, when the nurse first advised me to get one a few years ago.
Perhaps that is something I should do - it might help just a little for this year.
Of course I have not lost my intelligence and I am aware of the things I could and should be doing for myself - but the trouble with depression, when it gets deep, is that one loses the ability to move forward into action.
Yes, I should be out walking in the daylight every day. But it is cold and wet and dreary a lot of the time.
I promise that I will try to do it more.
Perhaps we can get up in the darkness tomorrow morning and go out hunting at Ford and then walk on the beach.
But then again, it might be raining!
Next week I will be seeing Dr Oliver about my calcium tablets and the problems they may be causing. Digestive problems make me feel down too - its not easy knowing that there have to be many trips to the loo.
But in a way, that is a fact of life for me after all the interference with my organs. And mostly I don't feel too badly about it.
I think I shall also ask for advice about SAD. I have heard that Dr Oliver has suffered with depression himself and anyway I know he wouldn't judge.
I don't think he can prescribe a lamp on the NHS though.
I will start back on the St John's Wort tablets which in the past have eased depression a bit. I don't think at this stage a doctor would want to give me other medication - though maybe a brief course to get me started back on the right road might help.
Many years ago (in amongst all the horrors that were happening then) I demanded temazepam from Dr. Oliver and got the short course I needed.
If there is a blessing in suffering from this complaint I can accept that having these bad spells gives me a greater insight into Ashley's depression.
I can understand how it feels to feel incapable of making the most of life.
And it is a blessing that I can write things down and to stop pretending that all is well.
I feel a little bit weepy right now.
But I feel sure that sharing the problem is the beginning of me being able to sort something out - and anyway in a few weeks Spring will arrive and I feel such a new beginning when that happens.
Today I have felt rather paralysed and unable to do much on my list of things to do.
Some things I have to do - having put things onto to EBay I must deal with them when they sell - 4 out of 5 books today.
I have dabbled with the 1911 census and felt defeated by Bill's mother's side of the family.
Where were they all in 1911?
Thank you Roger and Barry for your input.
The bits I have taken in make some sense. I shall have to share with you each other's input.
And Roger seems to have sorted out what became of the missing younger brothers of Bill's Grandmother. They were there on the 1901 census and then nobody ever seemed to have heard of them.
Roger has found one or both in an institution in Reigate. I wonder if they were in some way handicapped because even if the parents had suddenly died, you would think that there might be somebody in the family to care for them.
Bill's grandmother was old enough perhaps to have taken them on.
Ah well.... tomorrow is another day as was once said.
I hope it will feel like a good one for all of us.
Thank you for listening - if you got this far!
Goodnight.
I want to release some negative feelings and words often help.
I am feeling sad - not just a particular sadness but I am suffering from Seasonal Affected Depression - SAD.
It happens almost every winter and some years it is worse than others. I am aware that I have got really low this winter.
It helps a little that there is information about this condition these days and I should be able to avoid feeling guilty about it, which I did do many years ago.
I have been looking at the Internet today and yes - it is all there in the list of SAD symptoms.
Poor sleep - tell me about it.... I didn't get to sleep at all until 4 o'clock ish last night. I feel weary most of the time - lethargy, they say in the list of symptoms.
Social problems - not wanting to see people; yes, I am guilty of that, I even find it hard to pick up the phone.
Craving for carbohydrates and sweet food - even when I feel nauseous I just want to eat!
Feelings of not being able to cope. This afternoon I avoided driving to the post office with a parcel because I felt scared to go on my own!
Feelings of gloom and despondency. I can easily feel weepy - but, honest, I am trying to remember all that I have to be thankful for.
Now, can I pull myself together?
It would help if I had invested in a special SAD lamp, when the nurse first advised me to get one a few years ago.
Perhaps that is something I should do - it might help just a little for this year.
Of course I have not lost my intelligence and I am aware of the things I could and should be doing for myself - but the trouble with depression, when it gets deep, is that one loses the ability to move forward into action.
Yes, I should be out walking in the daylight every day. But it is cold and wet and dreary a lot of the time.
I promise that I will try to do it more.
Perhaps we can get up in the darkness tomorrow morning and go out hunting at Ford and then walk on the beach.
But then again, it might be raining!
Next week I will be seeing Dr Oliver about my calcium tablets and the problems they may be causing. Digestive problems make me feel down too - its not easy knowing that there have to be many trips to the loo.
But in a way, that is a fact of life for me after all the interference with my organs. And mostly I don't feel too badly about it.
I think I shall also ask for advice about SAD. I have heard that Dr Oliver has suffered with depression himself and anyway I know he wouldn't judge.
I don't think he can prescribe a lamp on the NHS though.
I will start back on the St John's Wort tablets which in the past have eased depression a bit. I don't think at this stage a doctor would want to give me other medication - though maybe a brief course to get me started back on the right road might help.
Many years ago (in amongst all the horrors that were happening then) I demanded temazepam from Dr. Oliver and got the short course I needed.
If there is a blessing in suffering from this complaint I can accept that having these bad spells gives me a greater insight into Ashley's depression.
I can understand how it feels to feel incapable of making the most of life.
And it is a blessing that I can write things down and to stop pretending that all is well.
I feel a little bit weepy right now.
But I feel sure that sharing the problem is the beginning of me being able to sort something out - and anyway in a few weeks Spring will arrive and I feel such a new beginning when that happens.
Today I have felt rather paralysed and unable to do much on my list of things to do.
Some things I have to do - having put things onto to EBay I must deal with them when they sell - 4 out of 5 books today.
I have dabbled with the 1911 census and felt defeated by Bill's mother's side of the family.
Where were they all in 1911?
Thank you Roger and Barry for your input.
The bits I have taken in make some sense. I shall have to share with you each other's input.
And Roger seems to have sorted out what became of the missing younger brothers of Bill's Grandmother. They were there on the 1901 census and then nobody ever seemed to have heard of them.
Roger has found one or both in an institution in Reigate. I wonder if they were in some way handicapped because even if the parents had suddenly died, you would think that there might be somebody in the family to care for them.
Bill's grandmother was old enough perhaps to have taken them on.
Ah well.... tomorrow is another day as was once said.
I hope it will feel like a good one for all of us.
Thank you for listening - if you got this far!
Goodnight.
