Wednesday, October 07, 2009
The same old seasonal problems.
I am sitting here with my special SAD lamp at one side and a packet of anti depressants at the other.
Which way should I turn?
The lamp has no side effects - but will it help me enough?
Some people I know who have taken antidepressants - and I know of one other who was prescribed Sertraline for a different sort of mentally induced problem, might tell me to steer clear of the medication.
But I do feel quite desperate.
I hate feeling like this.
Like what? You might ask.
Depression is an illness that is invisible. Physical disabilities and even a streaming cold are obvious and invoke a little sympathy. The problem is obvious to all.
But depression can be easy to mask in public, so most people wouldn't know of struggles within a sufferer's head.
Communicating by computer can completely mask the problem. It is so easy for Emails, blogs and facebook to sound like life is full and fun. The news of activities and happy looking photos are not lies of course - but they shield the darker thoughts and feelings.
I am actually good at masking it, also, when I am faced with social situations. I was positive and outgoing with the people we met at the funeral yesterday, for example.
I feel so sorry for people who have it worse than me and for whom it never really disappears.
Bill I am sure has some form of permanent depression.
Mine is seasonal. This year it began quite severely early on and even through the bright days of September the symptoms were increasing.
My mind becomes addled to the point of paralysis. I start to find it hard to do anything outside my normal routine - so thank goodness that I do have things to do within a normal routine.
I don't want - or can't make the extra effort to socialise, talk to people, go out etc. Just to pick the phone up and speak to a good friend can involve me in a lot of self doubt.
I begin to dislike myself for being like I am. I don't hate myself though. I don't think life is not worth living.
One of the questions on a form I filled in today was about whether I had thought about wanting to end my life. No way! I have a defiance on that score. I haven't been through all I have been through to have life snuffed out at a time I think is far too soon. I want to be 90 plus.
But I would rather that I didn't feel so useless for lots of the time in the 30 years I am wanting ahead of me.
I know in my brain of various ways of dealing with depression - especially my sort. Yes, I should get out and walk in the bright fresh air. OK - no brightness outside this week.
But making myself do it sometimes becomes an impossibility.
This morning Bill and I did walk. It wasn't for pleasure - but still could have been therapeutic. The chemicals in the brain will just welcome light.
We took a parcel to be posted. Then walked to our local chemist to pick up the medication we are normally on. Then on into to town to collect my new glasses.
We caught the bus back.
You can tell that, for a while this morning, it wasn't raining - just dreary and damp feeling.
Later it rained hard for some hours - still raining I shouldn't wonder. But I don't want to even peer through the curtains. Better to feel secure and cosy indoors.
This afternoon I went to see the GP with my list of queries.
I shall get a blood test done - probably tomorrow. This will check the chemicals that have been a problem. These days it is the low level of calcium that is worrying.
I shall have a B12 injection after our week in Kent and on the same day both Bill and I will have our flu jabs.
I have antibiotics for the urine infection that I hadn't been told I had. I am not sure that I want those tablets - Mr Swinn seemed quite happy that I hadn't been given any. Doctor didn't say anything about a follow up urine test.
I don't really think the doctor was ready to take up any physical problems today. My gut is just an eternal problem anyway, but he still doesn't realise how bad it can be for long stretches.
He said the tiredness and headaches could be as result of the depression, which I acknowledge.
And now I have my Sertraline.
I was warned that there could be initial side effects, including some nausea. So I said I wouldn't start taking them until after our week in Kent.
So I have 10 days to think about it - and receive the good advice of others.
But if the hibernation urge gets too strong then I think I shall try out the help being offered.
So that is an honest look at where I am today. There will be better days during the winter and probably some worse days.
I want to "pull myself together" honest I do.
But somehow, despite, all my good fortune and loving husband and family, "pulling oneself together" unaided seems to be impossible.
Which way should I turn?
The lamp has no side effects - but will it help me enough?
Some people I know who have taken antidepressants - and I know of one other who was prescribed Sertraline for a different sort of mentally induced problem, might tell me to steer clear of the medication.
But I do feel quite desperate.
I hate feeling like this.
Like what? You might ask.
Depression is an illness that is invisible. Physical disabilities and even a streaming cold are obvious and invoke a little sympathy. The problem is obvious to all.
But depression can be easy to mask in public, so most people wouldn't know of struggles within a sufferer's head.
Communicating by computer can completely mask the problem. It is so easy for Emails, blogs and facebook to sound like life is full and fun. The news of activities and happy looking photos are not lies of course - but they shield the darker thoughts and feelings.
I am actually good at masking it, also, when I am faced with social situations. I was positive and outgoing with the people we met at the funeral yesterday, for example.
I feel so sorry for people who have it worse than me and for whom it never really disappears.
Bill I am sure has some form of permanent depression.
Mine is seasonal. This year it began quite severely early on and even through the bright days of September the symptoms were increasing.
My mind becomes addled to the point of paralysis. I start to find it hard to do anything outside my normal routine - so thank goodness that I do have things to do within a normal routine.
I don't want - or can't make the extra effort to socialise, talk to people, go out etc. Just to pick the phone up and speak to a good friend can involve me in a lot of self doubt.
I begin to dislike myself for being like I am. I don't hate myself though. I don't think life is not worth living.
One of the questions on a form I filled in today was about whether I had thought about wanting to end my life. No way! I have a defiance on that score. I haven't been through all I have been through to have life snuffed out at a time I think is far too soon. I want to be 90 plus.
But I would rather that I didn't feel so useless for lots of the time in the 30 years I am wanting ahead of me.
I know in my brain of various ways of dealing with depression - especially my sort. Yes, I should get out and walk in the bright fresh air. OK - no brightness outside this week.
But making myself do it sometimes becomes an impossibility.
This morning Bill and I did walk. It wasn't for pleasure - but still could have been therapeutic. The chemicals in the brain will just welcome light.
We took a parcel to be posted. Then walked to our local chemist to pick up the medication we are normally on. Then on into to town to collect my new glasses.
We caught the bus back.
You can tell that, for a while this morning, it wasn't raining - just dreary and damp feeling.
Later it rained hard for some hours - still raining I shouldn't wonder. But I don't want to even peer through the curtains. Better to feel secure and cosy indoors.
This afternoon I went to see the GP with my list of queries.
I shall get a blood test done - probably tomorrow. This will check the chemicals that have been a problem. These days it is the low level of calcium that is worrying.
I shall have a B12 injection after our week in Kent and on the same day both Bill and I will have our flu jabs.
I have antibiotics for the urine infection that I hadn't been told I had. I am not sure that I want those tablets - Mr Swinn seemed quite happy that I hadn't been given any. Doctor didn't say anything about a follow up urine test.
I don't really think the doctor was ready to take up any physical problems today. My gut is just an eternal problem anyway, but he still doesn't realise how bad it can be for long stretches.
He said the tiredness and headaches could be as result of the depression, which I acknowledge.
And now I have my Sertraline.
I was warned that there could be initial side effects, including some nausea. So I said I wouldn't start taking them until after our week in Kent.
So I have 10 days to think about it - and receive the good advice of others.
But if the hibernation urge gets too strong then I think I shall try out the help being offered.
So that is an honest look at where I am today. There will be better days during the winter and probably some worse days.
I want to "pull myself together" honest I do.
But somehow, despite, all my good fortune and loving husband and family, "pulling oneself together" unaided seems to be impossible.
