Grandma P's Ramblings Through Life

Sorry, I haven't managed daily postings. I am grateful to know that I have been missed.
It is now Saturday. Life hasn't changed for me. I feel so tired and weak, in both body and mind. My mind feels so lost and troubled. Yesterday I felt just plain scared? Why? Because I was going out to see Dr D, and then to see Bill. That was scary, I felt distraught being reminded of what has been lost - especially when he wanted to come home and look after me.
I have now paid for Bill to be at Deerswood for another 2 weeks.
By then I will know more about me. I have to go to the hospital to discover results of the biopsies. So, that is scary too.
Today I slept for much of the morning.
This afternoon my brother and his wife visited. Poor Sue - never did she think she would be preparing a pot noodle, but it was good and tasty - I love the sticky ribs flavour.
They also saw Bill.He needs company and stimulation. They told me he was content, pleasant and singing.
He had other visitors too. Ruth and Otto called in, and they walked in the garden.
So a reasonable day. I planned to post a couple of photos, but I got into a muddle. I'll put them on a separate page - far too fraught to keep trying.
Shan't eat much tonight now. Although it is doctor's order. Guess what? He suggested I have lots of chocolate.e

A day when things went right.
Jenny got things started. She phoned the GPs and started again with them.
Yes, somebody ,would visit me at home.
I regret, I spent the morning in fear
of being put down or being ignored.
But luck was on my side. Dr. D was. on home visits. He would look after me.
And he did "What's happened to you, Paula?" he asked with genuine concern. I told him of my pains and other physical problems. I told him of my fears concerning the biopsies. I explained about the months of stress which preceded all
 this. There were tears and shaking. Dr D was astute - he already knows about Bill. Dr could see that I have been on the way to a nervous break down. It would seem that after months of struggle and attempting to be strong, anxiety flooded into my whole being.
I am now on diazepam for three days and will see doctor again on Friday.
He has also set up visits from hospital avoidance service.
Now you can understand why this doctor is so special to me.
I have had just 1 diazepam. Wow! I felt euphoric. My eyes closed.I felt good and more like I can get through.

I guess that Grandma P is becoming a bit repetitive. I can assure you that I am increasingly fed up with it too.
By yesterday morning, I felt desperate. Whatever the cause, I felt that I deserved some help - maybe hospital even. So I phoned the GPs. Got through first time - good omen? No. Dr O is off this week. I was told that a doctor would talk to me after morning surgery. Abrupt Dr.Donnelly did just that. She picked up on the gastritis and said she would fax a prescription to the pharmacy opposite our house. When I said that I was not coping, she just said I should wait for the medication to start working. I spoke to another doctor with the same result.Now for sure they were thinking that they were dealing with a weepy neurotic old woman. This made me feel angry.
I began to try and enjoy the best medicine - company.
The cleaning ladies came and efficiently worked round me, even changed my bedding. Neighbour Lisa came and warmed up some soup. She has been a star. She has taken the dirty bedding to wash. Later she picked up the pills from the pharmacy and later bought me Dioralite which might help me rehydrate a bit. The last idea was from Jo, who has phoned 3 times with support. Then jenny and the boys arrived. The boys were happy with their iPads and we shared Ideas for games. F and O were a real
tonic and I felt cheerful.
Jenny went to the Forget Me Not Tuesday meeting. I needed financial help and advice from Wendy, from social services. Wendy will visit on Thursday so we can begin to sort Bill's funding for future care.
And then she told Jenny of a local service that nobody seems to have heard of. There is an organisation called the hospital avoidance service. I can have a nurse to visit me over 3 days to assess my needs and to keep me out of hospital.
Jenny still thinks that this must be done through the doctor and is ready to do battle. But a friend has looked up this service, which gives a number to contact them.
So a day which began with despair ended with some hope.
I am ready to agree with the doctors that I am tearful and neurotic.
I have very real physical problems and some could be serious. But it wasn't until Bill went away that I began to totally not cope.Up until that point, I just had to manage, after a fashion. When he went to Deerswood, the floodgates opened.
The stress of the last few months has been unbelievable. Something had to give. And now I am finding it hard to make sense of anything.

Was this the first day in my life that I spent entirely alone?
Don't remember another.
Never mind, being ill takes a lot of time and energy.
I was in bed for Much of the day sleeping lots.
Pain, nausea, exhaustion to the point of shaking muscles and feeling out of breath - and no, Jenny, I haven't eaten enough.
This gastritis is not nice. I do hope help can come my way this week.
This evening I was downstairs, watching TV.
Sleep time again.

Still so tired.
When compared with normal life, my day has not been arduous.
But this is not normal life The process of getting up, packed and all that sort of thing made me shaky.
I went for walk round Jenny's garden. Ruth had brainwave and brought me the tablet. I feel more alive with a camera in my hand. O



I had a
little lunch with Ruth and the boys.
Then time to go to Deerswood.
Money had to be paid and we spent a short time with Bill.
He is happy, but remembers almost nothing about his time there.
He made a lot of noise and I was told that he Normally does.
I aim to try and sort out a daily day care centre for when he returns.
Then the challenge of the day - ASDA.
I needed simple food, so that I can look after myself this week.
Oh it was hard work.
I thought I might keel over onto the floor. The place began to spin.
But I was really proud to have managed,
Then home - straight up to lie down.
I have been reading up about gastritis - yes, can be caused by stress. I can tick off quite a few of the symptoms.
It leaves me wondering - has the endoscopy found what has been wrong all along?
It makes some sense. OK, we know the pancreas isn't working properly + but is it pancreatitis?
Chronic gastritis. with some major acute flare ups makes just as much sense.
It might actually prove to be easier to deal with. But best not to forget last Monday's investigations.
You will have spotted that I must still create a good routine for adding photos to blog.

To sum up - tired
Sedation worked well for me. Felt nothing until I came round.
I am still not sure why I had this procedure. Never had the pancreas or liver been mentioned.
I know that Dr O wanted to help me. But his hands are tied, because I am now under a hospital consultant, who should arrange a CT scan, once the first results from Monday are in.
Anyway - today.
Well, I don't have stomach cancer.
I do have gastritis, probably mild. May need medication.
I don't have helicobactor pylori, which can lead to ulcers
Got back to Jenny's and happily spent time with the family.
Suddenly I could take no more, I needed sleep.
Upstairs with warm sun streaming through windows. Wonderful sleep.
I haven't been down again. Am I learning about living alone?
I start tomorrow.
I think it will be hard as I feel so week. But I must take on these new challenges.
And, it's only a week until I have responsibility for Bill again.
It feels a weird world.

Taken by Amie our nephew, Antony's fiancée.
In

I am really happy during this wonderful fantasy week, in my Beautiful nest.
Today a little reality has crept in - contact with the outside world.
I have now sorted that Bill will have another week at Deerswood.
This will give me time to adjust to the reality of life at home.
Bill has had visitors today.
Amie has been in - she used to work at Deerswood.
Bill enjoyed seeing her and the lovely baby Nancy.
There are pictures, but I need to study the method of getting them from tablet to blog.
Later I talked to him - thanks to Julie Carer (as distinct from Julie Sister.
He sounded relaxed and happy. He accepted that he would not be home this weekend. Just didn't question it.
I did notice that when he handed phone back to Julie, there were the old familiar noises. She said that he hadn't done it much.
It's me, I unsettle him.
Getting late, must sleep.
Endoscopy tomorrow

Another day of relaxation..... laziness?
I do know that. the calmness is easing my pain.
And I am still so tired.
The trip back home exhausted me. We picked up a few bits that I needed and the paperwork connected to the endoscopy. It felt weird in my home. As I sat for a while, I could almost hear Bill thumping kitchen cupboards.
I will be home next week, but maybe Bill won't be. I have talked to Deerswood folk and they feel that Bill doesn't know when he is due to leave. He thinks that he is there for a rest. If it is possible, I would like him there for another week. After that we must play it by ear, according to what is decided for me.
I slept a while this afternoon.
This evening I have eaten some chicken and potatoes.
I will go and have a cuppa with Ruth in a few minutes. Jenny is at a village conservation meeting.
Everybody is tired. Jenny was up at 5, making chocolate brownies for the school cake sale. Ruth has been on Box Hill for a work team bonding exercise - up and down all day long.
Lovely red sky just now - not sure how delightful weather will be tomorrow.

Feeling tired, but reasonably well.
I have been in bed for much of the day. I will have another day and night here. I will go home on Thursday morning. Jenny will go to Cirencester to see the grandchildren there in a play. She will be back on Friday to take me for the endoscopy.
The news I have of Bill is good. My niece in law has worked at Deerswood and her mother still does. She reports that people
love him, even though he is noisy. He has added a new noise, squawking back at the parrot who lives on the balcony of the first floor. Apparently he thinks that carer, Pauline is me!
Another report comes from his sister Pam. She went in with a birthday card and some cake. They walked in the garden and then had a cup of tea. She said that he asked about me. So Pauline is only a temporary wife! Pam says he was noisy. But when asked if he liked it at Deerswood, he said that it was quite nice, that is high praise from Bill!
So, just now we are both content.
I know that my problems are far from over - they will have to be worked on later. But good to know that contentment is possible.
Sorry I missed your Skype call Roger. I was downstairs with Ruth and eating more of Jenny's leek and potato soup. She is on a mission to fatten me up!