Grandma P's Ramblings Through Life

Labels: rambling thoughts

Today is the funeral of an old friend.
It is a time for the living to reflect on matters of life and death.

I have been pushed to do that many times.
At the beginning of November, 19 years ago, I was lying on what might have been my death bed.
I didn't know that - it seemed like my time of knowing things was over. For weeks I had watched myself become iller and iller. During those weeks my life and death became nothing - all that mattered was each crystal of the present as I lived.
I look back on that as a lesson learned.
I also learned later that dying would not have been a problem for me.
But how joyful I am that Bill and my Dad pushed to have me undergo more intrusive treatment and testing - no letting me go gentle into that good night.
I am glad that these two men in my life had each other.
And so began my new life.
It was hard at first. The body was not ready for life and still the experts expected it not to survive and the local hospice got involved with me.
They gave me a lot - as did the other sick people I met there. They are all long gone.
I made this collage at the hospice day care centre.


























I was determined by then to make the best of each day.


Bill took me to sit and write on Ditchling Beacon.

Dad had come to wish me a happy 49th birthday.


I was in a wheel chair - but car boot sales were still part of my life.
Bill and Jamie and Ashley were selling things at a sale held at TB school.
We were joined by Bill's sister, Ros and our nieces Emma and Jo.

In November 1993, exactly a year after the near death experience, I was back in my hospital bed.
This time it was for tests. Why didn't my body get better?
Then it was discovered that for all the dreadful time of cancer treatments I had also suffered pancreatitis.
My pancreas was no longer producing the enzymes for digestion.
From that time I have been taking those enzymes in tablet form and weight and some strength slowly returned to my body.

And so life continued - a new and joyful life.
The past had gone.
Teaching had gone.
Most of my fears about not being a good enough person had gone.
Having been involved with book and toy collectors' fairs for years I took the plunge and took a space in an antiques centre.
We began to take holidays abroad in lovely places.
Our sons travelled or explored religion and moved on into marriages and parenthood.

And then at the beginning of November, 4 years ago, I returned to a hospital bed.
I had cancer again.
I was not afraid - in fact very ready to accept the drastic treatment, after a long spell of pain.
My bladder was taken away and I was given a stoma.
What a brilliant gift!
Yet again, I was given a chance for new life.
I have valued all of the last 20 years and it seems to get better and better.

I think very little of the future. If I do pause and think about the years ahead, it does feel quite scary.
We don't go on for ever do we?
I hope that Bill and I have learned enough now to be able to adjust to whatever the future throws at us.

And that is what I hope for Marion, my good friend. She is having to adjust now. I wish her and her family contentment and peace.


This is what his daughter in law wrote on facebook........

Goodbye Robin, my bestest father-in-law: one legged tandem rider, terrible joke teller, bear hug giver. Thank you for everything. It was a privilege to know you, but mainly a jolly good laugh. Love you old man. xx xx 18-10-11



And yes - Robin did only have one leg.
I think this touching message sums up all that I feel his funeral might be.

Now, I can add a little something.
It was a beautiful day - the sun shone, the golden trees glowed.
Robin was truly celebrated, remembered and mourned for.
People were joyful together afterwards - perhaps put in the mood by Robin's choice of final music.
Sing along, if you know it, as you read the lyrics.
These lyrics were sung with gusto by Jamie to us all just a short time ago.

Some things in life are bad

They can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse.
When you're chewing on life's gristle
Don't grumble, give a whistle

And this'll help things turn out for the best...

And...always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the light side of life...

If life seems jolly rotten
There's something you've forgotten
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you're feeling in the dumps
Don't be silly chumps
Just purse your lips and whistle - that's the thing.

And...always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the light side of life...

For life is quite absurd
And death's the final word
You must always face the curtain with a bow.
Forget about your sin - give the audience a grin
Enjoy it - it's your last chance anyhow.

So always look on the bright side of death
Just before you draw your terminal breath

Life's a piece of shit
When you look at it
Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true.
You'll see it's all a show
Keep 'em laughing as you go
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.

And always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the right side of life...

Labels: rambling thoughts

I'll start with something I wrote on facebook after I had posted the blog..........

I rambled tonight on my blog about heroes - what makes somebody a hero? Since then I have watched the programme on TV about Wilfred Owen, WW1 soldier and poet. Everything about that war moves me - 9 million deaths, the conditions, the pointlessness of it all, the most terrible inhumanity of it....it is hard to believe that a body and soul could come through it. I am thinking that my Grandfathers were heroes.

What is a hero?
"A person of distinguished bravery" says my Chambers Dictionary, supremely courageous, using extreme or elaborate means to obtain a desired result, as the preserving of life."
Is a hero anybody who is paid to do a difficult and demanding job?
Is the doctor who works into the night to attempt to save a life a hero? The doctor was just doing his job - and there are some who have received my extreme gratitude for their dedication.
The same can be said of soldiers. Men and women make a willing decision to take on the job and receive their annual wage for it.
Nobody denies that sometimes they find their role extremely difficult, tense and dangerous.
But presumably they were well aware of that before they became soldiers.
Yes, they face death.
So do we all whenever we drive in our cars.
About 3,000 people die each year on our roads - they were not heroes when they set off on their journeys and nor did they suddenly become heroes because they died. That would be 15,000 heroes in 5 years.
The numbers of road deaths far surpasses the deaths of the soldiers in Afghanistan over the last 5 years.
Both drivers and soldiers have accepted the risk.

Now this sounds like I don't care about the soldiers. I do care and I admire them for dealing with situations not of their choosing in a balanced even handed way.
But I resent feeling obliged to view them all as heroes.
They do a difficult job well. Sadly, very sadly, some do not come home and others come home in a poor way physically or mentally or both.
Their role is supposedly to defend the country from dangers seen and unseen - the country should be there to sort out the problems the soldiers inevitably bring home with them.

Having watched The Pride of Britain yesterday I am aware that the off duty policemen, who fortunately was blessed with the necessary skills, was a supreme hero.

He brought a coach to a halt on the motorway which he spotted was on fire.
He entered the coach and made sure that those passengers, almost paralysed with fear, got out of the bus. He knew it could explode at any moment; nevertheless he returned to the coach to ensure that he had got everybody off.
Seconds after he abandoned the coach it exploded into a fiery furnace.
He didn't have to do it. he was not being paid.
He was a human being who found the supreme courage that was mentioned in the dictionary definition - just because his whole being thought he ought to do something.
That man is a hero - and yet would shrug his shoulders and mutter that "he was doing just what anybody else would do".

But I have been remembering today.
I don't know if those in our family who lost their lives or survived the most awful traumas of earlier wars were heroes.
They did as they were told. In the first world war they may not have known why they were there and fighting - communications were not as good in those days.
The old song they sang had the words "We're here because we're here because we're here." Sung to the tune of Old Lang Syne.
In WW2 the belief in the cause was strong - and people seemed to have been eager to be part of the war. Bill's Uncle Ned lied about his age to make sure he could follow his brothers into conflict.
They were all brave - knowing that there were risks of injury and death. But then the families they left at home were often in just as much danger.

So, today - the 11th day of the 11th month I remember and think of those who I never knew and those who returned with tales hidden deep in their souls.
And I applaud the heroes - both within the armed forces and those whose heroism is manifested in many other ways.

I am anti war - but then who is for it? I guess that sometimes it might be deemed necessary and wars will not cease.
I am not anti soldier - or sailor or airman.
Most are good men and women, working hard.
But I am anti being manipulated into feeling that I should applaud soldiers, just because they chose a difficult way to earn their living.

Scroll down for pictures and comments about Anglesey Sea Zoo.

Labels: rambling thoughts

This evening I am having some time from sharing photographs.
I am rambling again!
I am pondering on the value of photographs....what are they for?

I can tell you that I enjoy using my eyes to see what I would like to capture, I like to compose the shot and later to enhance the quality of the photograph a bit.
I am glad to share this with other people.
But I have to ask what other people want to see.

This has mainly come about because Bill is feeling overwhelmed by the amount of printing that needs doing after a major trip away.
He enjoys doing a few pages - but this is hundred percent more than just a few.
And so we wonder what the albums are for - and who will see them and how often will we look at them?

There will come a time - far in the future we hope - when our eyes will not see the pictures for we will be no more.
Who will want all our photographs?
I started to think about which old photos I value.
I have to say I am so glad we have pictures of the people who have been important amongst our ancestors; pictures taken of things those people have seen on days that were special to them mean very little to me.

And of course there were many less photos.
They didn't have the advantage of snapping away hundreds of times a day at no cost.

I am glad that the sights I have seen are captured for me to enjoy and to share.
I like it that I can pass on a quick impression of places and events I have experienced.
And that is the value of a computer. The photographs can be presented in many ways and enable ones family and friends a very brief insight of things that have been important to us - or they can easily be ignored if that is what is preferred, or maybe be put on hold for a more suitable time.

The albums we create - Bill creates - are beautiful. He is an admirable artist and craftsman.
But I feel slightly embarrassed (no very) about inflicting a whole album on somebody.
Are they interested? Is there something else they ought to be doing?
Are we boring them?

Good grief - if the albums are a problem to others and sometimes a problem for Bill to create, and maybe will hardly be looked at again, then maybe it is time to let them go.

We could have them on a lap top to have with us when we see people with no access to a computer and if suitable we could get that out.

I am sure we will continue to take photographs in the same way as before - in their hundreds and of similar subjects. We do this because it is fun and it feels creative.
But I will keep in mind that people are most interested to see people and beauty.

I finish with an example of how valuable a photograph is as an insight to a human being.
My grandfather would be 120 years old tomorrow- though of course has been gone for many a long year.
By the time I was a little girl he already seemed like an old man to me.
He was portly and sensible.
But finding the picture below of my grandfather opened up to me who he really was.
He was a good looking young man, looked somehow very charming.
He looks like fun could shine through the serious side of life. He looks like the sort of man who could love and lust - with eyes that it might be hard to say "no" to.
Much, much later we discovered that my grandmother had indeed found it hard to resist him!
That's the value of a photograph - a portrait which tells you about the person.
I don't deny the value of art to portray more about the artist - I hope my photographs achieve that.




Bill will finish this Thailand album - a half done album would be silly.
But maybe we will have to set about things differently and accept that most photographs are ephemeral - here today and gone tomorrow.

I hope you will enjoy seeing the photos that I post on the blog. I only ever put a small proportion of those taken.
On facebook I can put on many more - and they take only a moment to flick through them; or maybe one can pause on those that particularly interest us.
I always enjoy seeing other people's photos on facebook - or Picassa or Flicker.

And yes, that was a ramble. I am sure it doesn't really flow that well.

Back to normal tomorrow - the trip to James Bond Island and Panyee will appear.

Labels: rambling thoughts

Yesterday we pondered on the question "Is it art?"
The picture above is said to represent the fragility of both the individual and the general human condition, being tempted ever closer to the grey abyss.
In the 21st century mankind is turning away from the traditional order, rejecting the patterns of history and leaning over the edge into the unknown.

Do you agree with this interpretation? I will add a little more at the end.

I have not been anywhere today - no shopping trips.
This afternoon I began the task of writing up stuff in the garage that has been bought over the last few weeks.
Of course I have forgotten now what I paid for items.
Quite a lot has been done. But the dining room table still needs some attention as I seek to get things done before we go away.
Of course I got distracted by a less than urgent task.
I have been through my old stock and already arranged some boxes with things destined for a car boot sale.
But when?
Maybe we will get down to Ford with it all before Christmas; maybe not until the spring.
We could store it in Frieda's garage next door.

Bill has printed lots of pages for our photograph album which tell the story of my birthday treat. I hope you enjoyed the blog.

We will be going to Ford tomorrow morning - it seems like ages since we were there; in fact only 2 weeks.
I look forward to a rain free morning and some items which will contribute to the antiques shop business.
We will then walk the length of a bench on Littlehampton sea front.
It is a little longer than you might imagine - 324 metres long.
And it is, in its way, a work of art. It twists and turns and undulates. We will enjoy photographing it.

Art is a very subjective medium. People can think what they like about anything that has been created.
If an art pundit has established a name for him/herself then others might listen....and no doubt feel rather inferior for not seeing what the experts can clearly see.
But the interpretation of the bricks in the picture you have seen is not the opinion of an expert.
I made it up.
The bricks are no more than part of the building site outside our house.

Labels: rambling thoughts

I saw the results of the exit poll before I went to bed.
Didn't need much more than that - the final results are almost exactly as predicted.
People who were asked didn't lie.

I think my most positive comment about our General Elections are that they are civilised and peaceful.
There can be disagreement about all sorts of things, but generally people are polite.... the worst act of sort of violence was calling somebody a bigot or having an egg thrown.
There are no riots, no petrol bombs such as can be seen in other countries.

Perhaps that is because we know that the result will make little difference really.
The politicians don't really have much power over the global economy of big business and banks.
The recession was never Gordon Brown's fault!

But I enjoy the little intrigues of politics. And today there is much intrigue.
Nick Clegg has led his party to a poor result, despite his popularity, and yet he still might be the leader who can wield most power.
I wonder what will be decided over the weekend.
I am sure he won't rush to decide anything today - all three of the main leaders must be exhausted.

Gordon Brown is disliked for all sorts of reasons - from his "goldfish" like habits in his mouth, to rumours of a fierce bad temper, to causing people to have pay more for petrol, to wrecking the global economy, to have suddenly devised a system in which it was fair game for MPs to fiddle expenses etc etc.
None of that is really fair.
I was not a fan when in his early days as PM he almost called an election and then shilly shallied about when would be the right time.

David Cameron is not liked for being rich, an old Etonian. People might suspect that he will just look after his own.
Jamie called him a greasy toad!
I disagree with Jamie - he is quite personable and does have the ability to at least make one feel he cares about all of us.
He has been through some tough times - a severely handicapped son who died last year.
I sometimes say that I judge people by wondering if I would enjoy dinner and conversation with them. I think I would enjoy dinner with David.

Then there is Nick - he still has some mannerisms of the school boy really. He has been thrust into the limelight in the last month more than ever before.
He hasn't always handled it well.
But he comes across as honest.

Then there is our voting system - the one I have known and despaired of for most of my adult life.
Like Roger I do like the idea of having my MP being a member of my own community and close at hand.
I am quite sure that an MP of any party (well the 3 main parties) would be fair and honest individuals when sorting out worries of people within their community.
Though they would not always have much power to do anything.
But to have a system where Labour and Lib Dems get a very similar number of votes (which they did yesterday) and Labour get 5 times as many seats is grossly unfair.
But I do worry that Proportional Representation could open the door for there to be MPs that I heartily disapprove of, like the BNP.
But a grouping of MPs in ones or twos will have little voice - as Caroline Lucas of The Greens will find.

Many are saying that they like the idea of a coalition. I don't think there will be one. I think David C will become the PM. I think and hope that Nick Clegg will lead the Liberals to assess each policy move on its merits and negotiate over each little thing.
If there is a coalition decided now, then he would have opted to go along with anything the Tories want to do.
Surely he won't do that?
But he has Gordon dangling a huge electoral reform carrot in front of him - a chance which might not come their way again for many a long year.
What a weekend for Nick!

So no over all conclusions.

The same could be said of my body chemicals.
I saw the consultant this morning.
He didn't think I needed a blood test just now - 6 months at least should pass before the parathyroid hormones might settle down.
My calcium is just within the band of normal.
He think is might be better to have it on the slightly low side.
He also thinks that calcium injections are not good - apart from hurting like hell, the chemical can seep into the skin and do damage.
He did decide what I thought he would.... I have a wonderful GP who is sorting it all out very well and Dr O can stay in charge of this problem.
I shall not be seeing the endocrinology department again on this matter.

Tomorrow we are involved in what was once seen as a very prestigious occasion and people used to put in to officiate . Now the County Championships, like everything else, gets less volunteers.
We will have any timekeeper who chooses to turn up. And seemingly the numbers will be small.
Normally the chiefs of the 2 days of the weekend would get together and compare the duty sheets.
This time there will be no duty sheets.
Bill, on Saturday and Barbara, on Sunday, will play things by ear and work out duties according to who is with us.
I think there will be 7 of us tomorrow.
And it will be cold in the strong winds and it will rain.
Hey ho! What fun - 8 hours sitting outdoors on a cold day!
We have not put down for Sunday. But if Bill feels he wants to do both days then we might attend.

Labels: health, rambling thoughts

It has been St George's Day.

Labels: family, rambling thoughts

Isn't our National Health Service wonderful?
I hope you think as I do on this matter.
I know that there have been unfortunate circumstances - tragic circumstances even - where things have gone wrong for the minority of people.
But I can honestly say that I have had the very best of treatment for almost all the years when I have needed it.
I don't just feel that I haven't been let down - I can positively say that I have been given the very best of treatment and support.
Today my treatment took a very short time - just a few seconds to have an injection of Vitamin B12. But there is always time to chat and Nurse Lesley listened to my worries about the infections that I seem to have within my body. Yes - I think a week after finishing the antibiotics they are back.
She also sorted me out a form for my next blood test, which is not due until March.
The population have so much to be thankful for.
Whenever there is a suggestion that one or other political party might not want to keep the NHS as a service to the population, but to allow private enterprise to take over, there is outrage.
Even the tabloid press who like to accuse very quickly when ever anything goes wrong, suddenly seem to fear the loss of our precious NHS.

We fear losing it.
I just can't understand why the people of the USA - well, at least half of them - fear the introduction of something similar.
Healthcare in the UK prior to the war had been a patchwork quilt of private, municipal and charity schemes and that seems to be the state that the American system is now.
Just as in this country over 60 years ago, there are people in the USA who can't afford to have medical treatment.
The benefits of the NHS are three fold - these were the original aims:
That it meet the needs of everyone
That it be free at the point of delivery
That it be based on clinical need, not ability to pay.
How sad that the American people shun these ideals.
Perhaps they have read too many articles as published in the Daily Mail or some such newspaper and misunderstand just how satisfied we really are in the UK.
Although the NHS has a high level of popular public support within the country, the national press is perceived to be highly critical of it. This may have affected perceptions of the service within the country as a whole and outside. An independent survey conducted in 2004 found that users of the NHS often expressed very high levels of satisfaction about their personal experience of the medical services. Of hospital inpatients, 92% said they were satisfied with their treatment; 87% of GP users were satisfied with their GP; 87% of hospital outpatients were satisfied with the service they received.

It looks like the election of one Republican ex male model in the USA might be a turning point and the dreams of having a health service which meets the needs of all might have to be curtailed. I hope not.

I am living proof of what a health service can achieve - the amount of money pumped into my survival, over several long drawn out episodes, must be enormous. I admit I have had more than my fair share and very much more than we or the sub standard health insurance that we might have been able to afford would have been able to pay out.

And even when I had to admit that I was finding it hard to find some true joy in living, the NHS forked out again for some medication to make me see my world more clearly and more joyfully. No thought of reprimanding me with a "You should be grateful for all we have done for you".

Today it has been easier to feel some of that joy.
I know it is just a day - but we have enjoyed a brief interlude of good weather. There really felt to be some hints of Spring air.
But we expect rain by about midnight, which will continue throughout tomorrow.

I worked today on what might be deemed to be a new years resolution - good cooking.
I can cook what I have always cooked - I do a good roast dinner and we love sausages and mash, but I had stopped trying anything new.
Yesterday I used the Internet as my recipe book and today I cooked chicken veronique - chicken breasts in white wine, tarragon, onions and with grapes.
I did potatoes in butter and onions too.
We both really enjoyed the eating - and I enjoyed the process of creating something worthwhile.
http://www.deliaonline.com/recipes/cuisine/european/french/chicken-veronique.html

Bill was also inspired by the springlike air. He went out this afternoon to tidy the back garden. The biggest task was to clear our very small plots of where the cats had been! But he has also made it look neat and ready for the spring and some new plants.

Another snippet of joyfulness is that the 1842 atlas now has a bid of £82.

Labels: rambling thoughts

Why am I writing this?

Labels: home and daily life, rambling thoughts