Thursday, September 18, 2014
Grandma P Rambles No More
I would hope that anyone who knows or knew Mum would know the news by now. Mum, or Grandma P to you, a wife, mother, grandmother, auntie, great auntie, friend, inspiration. She lost her final battle with cancer on August 28th 2014. This is maybe the last post on this blog. We might add some happy photos later. Better to remember the happy times.
Here's the funeral address given by Grandma P's daughter, Clare.
Farewell to thee! But not farewell
Here's the funeral address given by Grandma P's daughter, Clare.
I'd like to begin with a reading from the Bible. It's not just any Bible. This is my mother's Bible. She wrote her name in it, 54 years ago. The reading isn't from any of the printed words but from a piece of paper Paula kept safe there for a long time. It's something that was said by her mother in the period leading up to her own early death.
When the time comes you will find you will quite enjoy dying.
It's a wonderful struggle.
Mummy
Paula was involved in that struggle for many years, having been first diagnosed with cancer in 1991 and since that time never had excellent health. Every day has included a round of tablets and medicines and for the last seven years, since she had cancer for a third time, she had a urostomy bag to add to everything else.
Twenty-three years of struggle. In 1992 she struggled so much to survive. In 1993 she remained ill and received much help from St. Catherine's Hospice, as she did in the last days of her life.
Paula very nearly died and was in hospital for 3 months. At one point she had a 10% chance of getting through the following few hours. Some of us will remember clearly the struggles and the suffering she went through in order to live. And some of us have seen in detail the manner in which she has struggled this year and the dignity with which she accepted her own mortality.
And I believe the way Paula faced the struggles can be a lesson for us all. Her aim throughout those years was to live. To live each day in the fullest way her body allowed her to live. And we have seen the way she's done it and what she's been able to experience over the years. She lived to see Jamie and I married and settled. She lived to see her grandchildren and get to know them. She and Bill were able to visit Slovenia several times and walk in the mountains. They were able to visit Thailand to spend time Jamie and his family. She's seen the births of nearly fifty grand-nephews and grand-nieces and could name them all.
And she has lived. She and Bill went back to athletics and continued their role as timekeepers until quite recently, enjoying helping, enjoying the sport and perhaps most of all enjoying the banter and friends on the time keepers' stands. She has enjoyed dealing in antiques and collectibles and the relationships and friendships forged over the years. She and Bill have enthusiastically embraced digital cameras as the many albums at home testify, each containing wonderful pictures of the hundreds of places they visited together, the hundreds of people they've met and the countless family visits and celebrations.
On a personal note I am so glad that my mother got to see who I really am. I am so glad that she was so glad to meet me as her daughter. Because of my mental health history she has worried greatly about me over the years. I am very grateful and she was very grateful that she died knowing that she did not have to worry about me any more. Our friendship on Earth is over but we ended it in freedom, truthfulness and even in joy.
Truly, most days Paula did Carpe Diem – she did seize the day. Even on the darkest days when seizing the day was the last thing she wanted, she still triumphed and grasped the future. In 1993 after over two years of being ill she wrote in a poem “Bugger Carpe Diem!” But she came through the darkness and seized, and seized, and grabbed at the fullness of life. She lived beyond the mundane. Paula did not become famous. Instead she walked the “little way” doing all the little things as well as she could. And as in the Dire Straits song which she loved so much, Paula did the “walk of life”.
In our time of loss it's easy not to see the light. But we have a lot to be thankful for. In particular today we can all be thankful for the last 20 years, for the light Paula has been in all our lives and for the joys and triumphs she's known.
It's difficult looking at all the struggles not to ask a question. It's a question that she asked at times. It's a question many of us have asked about Paula. And it's a question we've asked when we've seen others suffer greatly or die young. All the great religions, the philosophers and the poets have asked it.
I found a book in the house before my mother died. I've seen it before but had forgotten it existed. The book contains a collection of things she wrote and some poems and sayings by others too. The first page was written in August 1980, around the time her younger brother, Robin, died. Paula asks the question about him – but we can in turn ask it about her.
My heart screams out
“Why you?”
I don't want your burden – but still
“Why you?”
I see you -
Glad, good
Game for living.
“Why you?”
I see you -
With strength you struggle
As ever
To stamp the seal
of your own individual person
on life.
With your first faltering footsteps
Into the future
You flung down a challenge to fate.
Fate answered,
With higher and higher hurdles.
You have jumped over with joy,
Climbed over with courage.
But still -
“Why you?”
Strength and daring
Are not deserving of such punishment.
I wish you well
And wonder again
“Why you?”
We can ask that question. “Why you?” And I'm sure if we haven't asked it already we will ask it. But for today, as we are together, let's try not to ask the question. Let's try to be thankful for each of the seventy years Paula lived and especially for the last twenty years that she nearly didn't see. Let's be thankful for our friendships, relationships and as we keep her firmly in our hearts and minds today let's talk of all the good times; those we lived with her and those she lived with others. And let's be thankful that nearly all her 49 years of marriage were good years. It is tragic that Bill is sick and cannot be here today but today let's think of the life they shared. Let's remember all those good times. Share our memories. Laugh. Cry. And support one another in the way Paula would ask us to.
To close, with a poem by Anne Bronte, written down by Paula in her book:
To all my fondest thoughts of Thee;
Within my heart they still shall dwell
And they shall cheer and comfort me.
Life seems more sweet that Thou didst live
And men more true that Thou were one;
Nothing is lost that Thou didst give,
Nothing destroyed that Thou hast done.
In our loss, in our sadness, remember that:
Nothing is lost that Paula didst give,
Nothing is destroyed that she hast done.
Nothing.
Nothing is lost.
Farewell to thee, Paula. Farewell my mother. Farewell.
You are gone. Yet you remain.
Nothing is lost.
---------
Grandma P passed away at St. Catherine's Hospice. She's not the first of our family to pass peacefully there. If you are reading this and want to help, please do make a donation to the hospice. Check their website : How you can help St Catherine's Hospice.
Shed a tear, raise a glass, have a laugh in memory of Grandma P, Mum, Auntie, Sister, Friend. We miss you and your passing was too soon.
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Tomorrow will be the day
tomorrow it begins. Chemo, number one. This will be as high dose as predicted. My kidney function tests last week showed some problems. The advantage for me is that treatment will take less time to administer. I don't know yet how many weeks that I will be going to go Guildford. I will ask today.......and the answer will be something like"We will have to see how it goes."
Carer will be here soon to get me ready for todays tri
Carer will be here soon to get me ready for todays tri
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
feeling lost
I wish I felt more cheerful
I guess this i fight stage the anger. I don't l don't if I can take control or even if I want to
i was more content in hospital where i had no control and no decisions to
make. Right now i feel too intensely involved with money
Not fair of me others are distracted from their lives to sort out mine
if only i had more time
everything has has happened so quickly
scarily quickly
i know others will tell me not to worry
O let me find those days of pleasure enjoying the magpies I must remember how to be positive ,come help me do that Offering to come to my aid isn't always easy. But looking ahead after Clare and Jamie have gone, ,i will be glad of help with shopping and laundry
or even type my blog
this has taken ages
I guess this i fight stage the anger. I don't l don't if I can take control or even if I want to
i was more content in hospital where i had no control and no decisions to
make. Right now i feel too intensely involved with money
Not fair of me others are distracted from their lives to sort out mine
if only i had more time
everything has has happened so quickly
scarily quickly
i know others will tell me not to worry
O let me find those days of pleasure enjoying the magpies I must remember how to be positive ,come help me do that Offering to come to my aid isn't always easy. But looking ahead after Clare and Jamie have gone, ,i will be glad of help with shopping and laundry
or even type my blog
this has taken ages
Monday, July 07, 2014
Monday exercise
iiMonday morning and hospital life swings into action. My day began with a wee bag leak
Oh the look of joy on the nurse faces when they realise that I can deal with a leak by my self.
This morning I was visited by physiotherapists and given exercises. They plan to have a team visit me at home
Lunch time soon.
This afternoon it has been a long road to get a canula in. Attractive
ivyclad doctor.failed to
This evening I was asked me if I wanted to move there
I decided to stay here in my private room and with a TV.
Nice atmosphere here
friendly and fun
Any ways and
I appreciate the TV.
Also not sure when I shall be discharged.Could be quite soon.
Oh the look of joy on the nurse faces when they realise that I can deal with a leak by my self.
This morning I was visited by physiotherapists and given exercises. They plan to have a team visit me at home
Lunch time soon.
This afternoon it has been a long road to get a canula in. Attractive
ivyclad doctor.failed to
This evening I was asked me if I wanted to move there
I decided to stay here in my private room and with a TV.
Nice atmosphere here
friendly and fun
Any ways and
I appreciate the TV.
Also not sure when I shall be discharged.Could be quite soon.
Sunday
Pity, I already written lots today on Facebook
I won't write it twice
So a few brief notes, probably to be interrupted by shower and hair .
But my flannels are lost. Never mind.
I am clean and my hair feels good. I have ccomfortable disposable knickers. i have a real treasure of a nurse.
I needed someone special after my night
I woke to an arm, dripping blood. had knocked the canula and ripped the skin.
Then I felt sick and vomited green bile. Old friends will know that it is a road much travelled by me
and scary.
Discussion today focus on my care I think that I must wait to be assessed. Wait here, I assume.
That is fine for me. The atmosphere here sounds good and happy. I can't see anything,but I can pick up on the atmosphere.My treasured nurse says that it is a hhappy place to work.
As regards to me, I do still have pain. But it is less now. And of course there are morphine side effects
It now
is half past three
Oh the trouble Helen had getting the new
canula in. Then sweet little Indian nurse had no trouble at all
So drip is now in- not in needp
.
I won't write it twice
So a few brief notes, probably to be interrupted by shower and hair .
But my flannels are lost. Never mind.
I am clean and my hair feels good. I have ccomfortable disposable knickers. i have a real treasure of a nurse.
I needed someone special after my night
I woke to an arm, dripping blood. had knocked the canula and ripped the skin.
Then I felt sick and vomited green bile. Old friends will know that it is a road much travelled by me
and scary.
Discussion today focus on my care I think that I must wait to be assessed. Wait here, I assume.
That is fine for me. The atmosphere here sounds good and happy. I can't see anything,but I can pick up on the atmosphere.My treasured nurse says that it is a hhappy place to work.
As regards to me, I do still have pain. But it is less now. And of course there are morphine side effects
It now
is half past three
Oh the trouble Helen had getting the new
canula in. Then sweet little Indian nurse had no trouble at all
So drip is now in- not in needp
.
Saturday, July 05, 2014
Saturday surprise
Saturday - just after midday
And it has been very eventful
The bad things have been mostly my own stupid fault
Last night I ordered the ideal meal for me
Soup and a fruit jelly
To be continued
Gosh back to last night
Nurse thought that I didn't have enough and got me sandwiches
Kind of her and exceedingly stupid of me to eat them. Results ?. A P night. Poo pee,puke, pain. All those undigested food bloating me
I hadn't given oromorph a chance
Anyway ould be going home
Or would I?
Firstly I was taken to another ward
I could see the need for being moved
- I was in the assessment units and people actually needed to get assessed
So here I am in Woodland ward in a single room and my own TV
Friendly nurses are very close by. Just now I have all I need and feel as content as it is possible to be
I could grump about the lost TV remote, but it also means that I have to walk more and I can see that I am walking better. Life is full of surprising yu
Though I do feel sure that I will go tomorrow
This is surgical ward
As I x. write, such thoughts are going round the head of omr
And it has been very eventful
The bad things have been mostly my own stupid fault
Last night I ordered the ideal meal for me
Soup and a fruit jelly
To be continued
Gosh back to last night
Nurse thought that I didn't have enough and got me sandwiches
Kind of her and exceedingly stupid of me to eat them. Results ?. A P night. Poo pee,puke, pain. All those undigested food bloating me
I hadn't given oromorph a chance
Anyway ould be going home
Or would I?
Firstly I was taken to another ward
I could see the need for being moved
- I was in the assessment units and people actually needed to get assessed
So here I am in Woodland ward in a single room and my own TV
Friendly nurses are very close by. Just now I have all I need and feel as content as it is possible to be
I could grump about the lost TV remote, but it also means that I have to walk more and I can see that I am walking better. Life is full of surprising yu
Though I do feel sure that I will go tomorrow
This is surgical ward
As I x. write, such thoughts are going round the head of omr
Friday Fourth.
Going to try a running blog
Today,so far has been marred by severe pain
ust have something different
Doctor has written up oromorph for me
It is a morphine drug I have used before.
The calcium hunch has been abandoned....my levels are normal.
For another patient it has been a near death morning. She is old and with no capabilities
Suddenly she called once,, shook a little and was like a floppy rag doll. cardiac arrest, people rushing in and out, brief instructions....it was like being on the set of a TV hospital drama
She didn't die.. she still functions. She is having Xrays and other tests
They want to why.
She is so fragile and so treasured by her sweet husband. I hope he gets a little more time to whisper sweet nothings
Well I may be home later, or maybe tomorrow morning. No stay on Buckland and maybe no more heavenly soup. But I shall enjoy my garden and those strutting magpies
and I shall enjoy my TV too
Friday 12.50.
Just had my first oromorph with paracetamol and ibuprofen. Get working foul liquid. I can take as much as I need to be pain free.
Half past Two......pain level improves, but pain not gone. Reckon I might need another night to get pain control fully working.
Tennis reports are being relayed to me via distant cousin Mark in New Orleans.We share a mutual love of Dimitrov, the Bulgarian. It sounds like match anyway.The scores were level when I last heard.
The sweet husband is here and whispering words of love to his fragile rag doll.
Half past six
The decision has been made
I will stay for one more night
I decided
I want 2 -/3 more doses of oromorph, to get that into a routine
The hospital doctors will have informed the GPs who will get to see that I will not tolerate second best
And until I get a wheel chair if they need to see then they must come to me
Still the loving husband stands vigil. She jsfn another episode
No panic as he dealt with the problem It is peaceful in here . lots of dozing.
half past T be bed time
The ragdoll lady has bemoved today to another ward
Instead we have a young beauty who has joined the dozing squad since then another young one has arrived with mother. It is go in here as the night begins. I ought to read this through but I fear too many mistakes. I seemed hhnm be found sleeping more fxq writing
Then Ooppp
........I wake to llknñp
Quarter past fou Woking tll
This is such a muddled too much to edit.
But I tried.Maybe I will do better at home.
,
Today,so far has been marred by severe pain
ust have something different
Doctor has written up oromorph for me
It is a morphine drug I have used before.
The calcium hunch has been abandoned....my levels are normal.
For another patient it has been a near death morning. She is old and with no capabilities
Suddenly she called once,, shook a little and was like a floppy rag doll. cardiac arrest, people rushing in and out, brief instructions....it was like being on the set of a TV hospital drama
She didn't die.. she still functions. She is having Xrays and other tests
They want to why.
She is so fragile and so treasured by her sweet husband. I hope he gets a little more time to whisper sweet nothings
Well I may be home later, or maybe tomorrow morning. No stay on Buckland and maybe no more heavenly soup. But I shall enjoy my garden and those strutting magpies
and I shall enjoy my TV too
Friday 12.50.
Just had my first oromorph with paracetamol and ibuprofen. Get working foul liquid. I can take as much as I need to be pain free.
Half past Two......pain level improves, but pain not gone. Reckon I might need another night to get pain control fully working.
Tennis reports are being relayed to me via distant cousin Mark in New Orleans.We share a mutual love of Dimitrov, the Bulgarian. It sounds like match anyway.The scores were level when I last heard.
The sweet husband is here and whispering words of love to his fragile rag doll.
Half past six
The decision has been made
I will stay for one more night
I decided
I want 2 -/3 more doses of oromorph, to get that into a routine
The hospital doctors will have informed the GPs who will get to see that I will not tolerate second best
And until I get a wheel chair if they need to see then they must come to me
Still the loving husband stands vigil. She jsfn another episode
No panic as he dealt with the problem It is peaceful in here . lots of dozing.
half past T be bed time
The ragdoll lady has bemoved today to another ward
Instead we have a young beauty who has joined the dozing squad since then another young one has arrived with mother. It is go in here as the night begins. I ought to read this through but I fear too many mistakes. I seemed hhnm be found sleeping more fxq writing
Then Ooppp
........I wake to llknñp
Quarter past fou Woking tll
This is such a muddled too much to edit.
But I tried.Maybe I will do better at home.
,
Thursday, July 03, 2014
Unexpected Day.
Quick, whilst I have a hope of sending.
I write from my hospital bed
Not the one at home. This bed is in the hospital
I didn't expect to be here
I saw the. excellent oncology team and proposals were discussed and it seemed it was settled that I would have chemo at Guildford. Shame that
But. this team is at East Surrey only once a week. They are more London based
I have the best brains.....and interesting twists and turns. Suddenly he was wondering why I had got so ill and fragile so quickly
He mused on my minerals, so often out of balance
This time calcium could be the offender.....too much of the stuff
He wants to get to the bottom of his hunch. Not a silly hunch because it's a topic that has arisen before.Dr O began to follow it up you might even recall investigation into calcium levels and the connection with B6 and the way the parathyroid glands control things.He thinks that if this problem could be solved I would feel loads better and more able tp withstand the chemo
At the moment I am in the surgical assement ward. I have a saline drip
It is quite peaceful. I know that Doctor Money Kyrle wants me to be on Buckland Ward
I want. that too
It's the best Though not very professional of him really to let slip that in his opinion it is the only properly run ward in the hospital!
I think that the intention is to keep me for two or three s om the maybe until Monday.
I now ask that anybody who reads this and knows of another who no compuyet communication to pass on my news
I am particularly sorry that I have not talked with Marion ....not even told her about the things I have learned about the spread of the disease I will have to search for a phone number.
So family and friends band together to be part of my team
I will need practical help and love when I have chemotherapy Many will not be surprised to know that Jenny has been a tower of strength again this week Supported me through a difficult time. She has helped me with retaining information and asking the right questions
Glad to have found time and energy to write.
Oh and if you close at hand, I would still ask that you don't visit the hospital. I must view these days as a bonus for complete rest. Soon I will be so glad to have supplies of little and often food...... but check what first. What taste I have has changed. No chocolates for starters. Today I enjoyed a shop bought prawn mayo sandwich I should eat. a little more
I hope there might be a decent soup on the food trolley.
Interesting day.Hope yours has been too and hopefully more fun
Thank goodness blogs are saved in draft.
.
I write from my hospital bed
Not the one at home. This bed is in the hospital
I didn't expect to be here
I saw the. excellent oncology team and proposals were discussed and it seemed it was settled that I would have chemo at Guildford. Shame that
But. this team is at East Surrey only once a week. They are more London based
I have the best brains.....and interesting twists and turns. Suddenly he was wondering why I had got so ill and fragile so quickly
He mused on my minerals, so often out of balance
This time calcium could be the offender.....too much of the stuff
He wants to get to the bottom of his hunch. Not a silly hunch because it's a topic that has arisen before.Dr O began to follow it up you might even recall investigation into calcium levels and the connection with B6 and the way the parathyroid glands control things.He thinks that if this problem could be solved I would feel loads better and more able tp withstand the chemo
At the moment I am in the surgical assement ward. I have a saline drip
It is quite peaceful. I know that Doctor Money Kyrle wants me to be on Buckland Ward
I want. that too
It's the best Though not very professional of him really to let slip that in his opinion it is the only properly run ward in the hospital!
I think that the intention is to keep me for two or three s om the maybe until Monday.
I now ask that anybody who reads this and knows of another who no compuyet communication to pass on my news
I am particularly sorry that I have not talked with Marion ....not even told her about the things I have learned about the spread of the disease I will have to search for a phone number.
So family and friends band together to be part of my team
I will need practical help and love when I have chemotherapy Many will not be surprised to know that Jenny has been a tower of strength again this week Supported me through a difficult time. She has helped me with retaining information and asking the right questions
Glad to have found time and energy to write.
Oh and if you close at hand, I would still ask that you don't visit the hospital. I must view these days as a bonus for complete rest. Soon I will be so glad to have supplies of little and often food...... but check what first. What taste I have has changed. No chocolates for starters. Today I enjoyed a shop bought prawn mayo sandwich I should eat. a little more
I hope there might be a decent soup on the food trolley.
Interesting day.Hope yours has been too and hopefully more fun
Thank goodness blogs are saved in draft.
.
Thursday, June 19, 2014
Time for changes.
Let's try a blog again
This is a day for some changes. A hospital bed will arrive in the house and we will set up a downstairs boudoir. Complete with commodes
Funding will change too. I knew that the scheme that has helped me would be temporary. Now I will be part of the oh so wise, care in the community package. Not so wise when you realise that it's about who pays (me) and profits and loss. Today I have to choose a company to work with, tell them what I want and then pay. I think that I will pay something like 40 a week. But as the ad says. I am worth it
Clare went to visit he Dad, with Ruth and found it difficult. The changes since last November are profound..
We will go together tomorrow. Taxi ride and wheel chair
..
Some old blog readers, bless them have missed my rambling. And there have been new folk into my world. I could suggest that for a while some people might join me on Facebook.I know that as weeks progress there will be less writing , just quick sentences. Facebook can be used as you wish create a new persona, that only you and I know.
If you can then find me on Facebook - Paula Monk. I would love to know H and H
Hope I feel stronger soon have lots to think about.
This is a day for some changes. A hospital bed will arrive in the house and we will set up a downstairs boudoir. Complete with commodes
Funding will change too. I knew that the scheme that has helped me would be temporary. Now I will be part of the oh so wise, care in the community package. Not so wise when you realise that it's about who pays (me) and profits and loss. Today I have to choose a company to work with, tell them what I want and then pay. I think that I will pay something like 40 a week. But as the ad says. I am worth it
Clare went to visit he Dad, with Ruth and found it difficult. The changes since last November are profound..
We will go together tomorrow. Taxi ride and wheel chair
..
Some old blog readers, bless them have missed my rambling. And there have been new folk into my world. I could suggest that for a while some people might join me on Facebook.I know that as weeks progress there will be less writing , just quick sentences. Facebook can be used as you wish create a new persona, that only you and I know.
If you can then find me on Facebook - Paula Monk. I would love to know H and H
Hope I feel stronger soon have lots to think about.
Sunday, June 08, 2014
messages
First a message for Pete and Jean. I tried to
Phone, you - but I felt too wobbly to go down to find the book. Your number should be on my mobile. I tried to Skype too, but you hadn'been able during your off line stage that I had changed my Skype name for the tablet.Perhaps ring me tomorrow and we can sort it.it is partly my fault that I had a bad day - I didn't take pain killers until it was too late. But the sweet nurse from Zimbabwe was so patient and calm.
I have ticked foods that I think I would like from Wiltshiy Farm Foods. I need things that easy to eat with a spoon - and not sweet things, because I have really gone off sweetness.
Jenny has been round today.. The boys are so good when they with me
We watched some of tennis together.
I wish that my fingers would stop being jittery and shaky. Makes me quite unstable
Now a message for Jamie. The general ffeling is that. It would be beneficial for you to come and see us. If you didn't come and
I got
worse, then you would regret it,
Also it would be best to spend time with your Dad, whilst he still has some wits - although the noise can be quite distressing,
I wouly pay for your ticket when you arrive.
If you can do it, then do it..
??
L
L
Phone, you - but I felt too wobbly to go down to find the book. Your number should be on my mobile. I tried to Skype too, but you hadn'been able during your off line stage that I had changed my Skype name for the tablet.Perhaps ring me tomorrow and we can sort it.it is partly my fault that I had a bad day - I didn't take pain killers until it was too late. But the sweet nurse from Zimbabwe was so patient and calm.
I have ticked foods that I think I would like from Wiltshiy Farm Foods. I need things that easy to eat with a spoon - and not sweet things, because I have really gone off sweetness.
Jenny has been round today.. The boys are so good when they with me
We watched some of tennis together.
I wish that my fingers would stop being jittery and shaky. Makes me quite unstable
Now a message for Jamie. The general ffeling is that. It would be beneficial for you to come and see us. If you didn't come and
I got
worse, then you would regret it,
Also it would be best to spend time with your Dad, whilst he still has some wits - although the noise can be quite distressing,
I wouly pay for your ticket when you arrive.
If you can do it, then do it..
??
L
L
Sunday in my world
There has been so much sleeping and very little writing, very little
Of anything useful Typing ishatde because my fingers shake so My body shakes a lot. So then I sleep some more I am far too feak and weeble. But I can see some signs of progress The nurses still come 3 times a day. They help me to wash and get me some food
They do all manner of things
Yesterday they discovered a urine infection
This will be checked again tomorrow
Jenny returned from the I of W
Today Ruth flies to Jamaica ,,,,\ a prize from work
Jo has been wonderful
Next week there are others I can
call in. The more the merrier. If you could visit then please do
Company and laughter are excluded medication
zS
Of anything useful Typing ishatde because my fingers shake so My body shakes a lot. So then I sleep some more I am far too feak and weeble. But I can see some signs of progress The nurses still come 3 times a day. They help me to wash and get me some food
They do all manner of things
Yesterday they discovered a urine infection
This will be checked again tomorrow
Jenny returned from the I of W
Today Ruth flies to Jamaica ,,,,\ a prize from work
Jo has been wonderful
Next week there are others I can
call in. The more the merrier. If you could visit then please do
Company and laughter are excluded medication
zS
Thursday, June 05, 2014
one traumatic day
Sorry, blog friends, I wrote nothing yesterday. It had been an awful day.
I woke with intense nausea and did too much physically and mentally. Dr Dullo wanted to see me. He cares d is determined to maintain contact and support. Jo, my antiques dealer friend, commented on what a lovely man he is.
Lots of exercise for me. Had to go to the pharmacy to collect anti nausea medication.
Then Jo and I went to see Bill That was hard mentally. I don't know what he was able to absorb. He wasn't quiet for one second we were there. He thinks that he should be at home. And that just cannot be. I am glad that Jo was with me. It has been a while since they met. And she could see the truth of the situation. I don't believe ambody thinks I am lying, but they could wonder if I am exaggerating the situation...
I spoke to an admin person about Bill not joining in activities. There could be lots to do. But nobody can be forced to do anything, because that could count as abuse. So Bill stays in his room, doing nothing.
Home then to be greeted by nurses. I felt duty bound to eat a little.
Then I fell. asleep on the sofa
Ruthb came by and emptied the freezer. Glad she came - .somebody to help me when I puked up noodles.
The. evening nurses didn't push me to eat. They helped me to get to bed. And there I stayed until more vomit.
What a day - too much trauma.
I feel fragile still. But another day brings new challenges.
Ruth has been already with home cooked food, using some of my freezer food. Will see her again later and also Matt, my half brother. Maybe he can mend door bells.
I woke with intense nausea and did too much physically and mentally. Dr Dullo wanted to see me. He cares d is determined to maintain contact and support. Jo, my antiques dealer friend, commented on what a lovely man he is.
Lots of exercise for me. Had to go to the pharmacy to collect anti nausea medication.
Then Jo and I went to see Bill That was hard mentally. I don't know what he was able to absorb. He wasn't quiet for one second we were there. He thinks that he should be at home. And that just cannot be. I am glad that Jo was with me. It has been a while since they met. And she could see the truth of the situation. I don't believe ambody thinks I am lying, but they could wonder if I am exaggerating the situation...
I spoke to an admin person about Bill not joining in activities. There could be lots to do. But nobody can be forced to do anything, because that could count as abuse. So Bill stays in his room, doing nothing.
Home then to be greeted by nurses. I felt duty bound to eat a little.
Then I fell. asleep on the sofa
Ruthb came by and emptied the freezer. Glad she came - .somebody to help me when I puked up noodles.
The. evening nurses didn't push me to eat. They helped me to get to bed. And there I stayed until more vomit.
What a day - too much trauma.
I feel fragile still. But another day brings new challenges.
Ruth has been already with home cooked food, using some of my freezer food. Will see her again later and also Matt, my half brother. Maybe he can mend door bells.
Tuesday, June 03, 2014
Busy being cared for
Busy day. People kept turning up to help me!
My early nurses came and cooked scrambled eggs.
Jenny would have been proud to see me tucking into two eggs on toast.
Then they helped me to wash and change wee bag. They must have been here for an hour and a half.
A little later the occupational therapist came. She seemed to think that I should have every gadget known to man! I was not going to refuse anything.
The built up loo seat arrived this afternoon.
The lunch time nurse made toast and marmalade, and nagged me about exercise. I rewarded her by falling asleep!
Then the evening nurses came and heated a chicken and mushroom risotto that we found in the freezer this morning. Very tasty! In addition, there have been friendly phone call
L
My early nurses came and cooked scrambled eggs.
Jenny would have been proud to see me tucking into two eggs on toast.
Then they helped me to wash and change wee bag. They must have been here for an hour and a half.
A little later the occupational therapist came. She seemed to think that I should have every gadget known to man! I was not going to refuse anything.
The built up loo seat arrived this afternoon.
The lunch time nurse made toast and marmalade, and nagged me about exercise. I rewarded her by falling asleep!
Then the evening nurses came and heated a chicken and mushroom risotto that we found in the freezer this morning. Very tasty! In addition, there have been friendly phone call
L
Monday, June 02, 2014
Yes. it:'s cancer.
well, it has been quite a day.
The consultant, Mr Butler Manuel was kindness itself, not sure I could be coping with such a heavy load. In fact, I am not.
I was not at all surprised to have cancer again. I am surprised that it is a cancer connected to the bladder cancer that I had. I am not looking forward to a month of radio therapy, with daily trips to Guildford in a mini bus.
Today, the support from professional groups hs kicked in. This afternoon two nurses came.
Later two others came and one made me some scrambled eggs.
People will be back in the morning to help me shower and make breakfast.
Tomorrow I shall order meals from Wiltshire Farm Foods.
There are people coming from social services tomorrow too.
I am not lucky - far from it! Life stinks! But I do feel fortunate that some knowledge and some bullying have taken me to the heart of good care.
Join me in sending love and support to all who suffer.
The consultant, Mr Butler Manuel was kindness itself, not sure I could be coping with such a heavy load. In fact, I am not.
I was not at all surprised to have cancer again. I am surprised that it is a cancer connected to the bladder cancer that I had. I am not looking forward to a month of radio therapy, with daily trips to Guildford in a mini bus.
Today, the support from professional groups hs kicked in. This afternoon two nurses came.
Later two others came and one made me some scrambled eggs.
People will be back in the morning to help me shower and make breakfast.
Tomorrow I shall order meals from Wiltshire Farm Foods.
There are people coming from social services tomorrow too.
I am not lucky - far from it! Life stinks! But I do feel fortunate that some knowledge and some bullying have taken me to the heart of good care.
Join me in sending love and support to all who suffer.
Sunday, June 01, 2014
Pictures
Saturday, May 31, 2014
The chocolate and pot noodle diet
Sorry, I haven't managed daily postings. I am grateful to know that I have been missed.
It is now Saturday. Life hasn't changed for me. I feel so tired and weak, in both body and mind. My mind feels so lost and troubled. Yesterday I felt just plain scared? Why? Because I was going out to see Dr D, and then to see Bill. That was scary, I felt distraught being reminded of what has been lost - especially when he wanted to come home and look after me.
I have now paid for Bill to be at Deerswood for another 2 weeks.
By then I will know more about me. I have to go to the hospital to discover results of the biopsies. So, that is scary too.
Today I slept for much of the morning.
This afternoon my brother and his wife visited. Poor Sue - never did she think she would be preparing a pot noodle, but it was good and tasty - I love the sticky ribs flavour.
They also saw Bill.He needs company and stimulation. They told me he was content, pleasant and singing.
He had other visitors too. Ruth and Otto called in, and they walked in the garden.
So a reasonable day. I planned to post a couple of photos, but I got into a muddle. I'll put them on a separate page - far too fraught to keep trying.
Shan't eat much tonight now. Although it is doctor's order. Guess what? He suggested I have lots of chocolate.e
It is now Saturday. Life hasn't changed for me. I feel so tired and weak, in both body and mind. My mind feels so lost and troubled. Yesterday I felt just plain scared? Why? Because I was going out to see Dr D, and then to see Bill. That was scary, I felt distraught being reminded of what has been lost - especially when he wanted to come home and look after me.
I have now paid for Bill to be at Deerswood for another 2 weeks.
By then I will know more about me. I have to go to the hospital to discover results of the biopsies. So, that is scary too.
Today I slept for much of the morning.
This afternoon my brother and his wife visited. Poor Sue - never did she think she would be preparing a pot noodle, but it was good and tasty - I love the sticky ribs flavour.
They also saw Bill.He needs company and stimulation. They told me he was content, pleasant and singing.
He had other visitors too. Ruth and Otto called in, and they walked in the garden.
So a reasonable day. I planned to post a couple of photos, but I got into a muddle. I'll put them on a separate page - far too fraught to keep trying.
Shan't eat much tonight now. Although it is doctor's order. Guess what? He suggested I have lots of chocolate.e
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Sometimes things go right
A day when things went right.
Jenny got things started. She phoned the GPs and started again with them.
Yes, somebody ,would visit me at home.
I regret, I spent the morning in fear
of being put down or being ignored.
But luck was on my side. Dr. D was. on home visits. He would look after me.
And he did "What's happened to you, Paula?" he asked with genuine concern. I told him of my pains and other physical problems. I told him of my fears concerning the biopsies. I explained about the months of stress which preceded all
this. There were tears and shaking. Dr D was astute - he already knows about Bill. Dr could see that I have been on the way to a nervous break down. It would seem that after months of struggle and attempting to be strong, anxiety flooded into my whole being.
I am now on diazepam for three days and will see doctor again on Friday.
He has also set up visits from hospital avoidance service.
Now you can understand why this doctor is so special to me.
I have had just 1 diazepam. Wow! I felt euphoric. My eyes closed.I felt good and more like I can get through.
Jenny got things started. She phoned the GPs and started again with them.
Yes, somebody ,would visit me at home.
I regret, I spent the morning in fear
of being put down or being ignored.
But luck was on my side. Dr. D was. on home visits. He would look after me.
And he did "What's happened to you, Paula?" he asked with genuine concern. I told him of my pains and other physical problems. I told him of my fears concerning the biopsies. I explained about the months of stress which preceded all
this. There were tears and shaking. Dr D was astute - he already knows about Bill. Dr could see that I have been on the way to a nervous break down. It would seem that after months of struggle and attempting to be strong, anxiety flooded into my whole being.
I am now on diazepam for three days and will see doctor again on Friday.
He has also set up visits from hospital avoidance service.
Now you can understand why this doctor is so special to me.
I have had just 1 diazepam. Wow! I felt euphoric. My eyes closed.I felt good and more like I can get through.
Thank goodness for good people.
I guess that Grandma P is becoming a bit repetitive. I can assure you that I am increasingly fed up with it too.
By yesterday morning, I felt desperate. Whatever the cause, I felt that I deserved some help - maybe hospital even. So I phoned the GPs. Got through first time - good omen? No. Dr O is off this week. I was told that a doctor would talk to me after morning surgery. Abrupt Dr.Donnelly did just that. She picked up on the gastritis and said she would fax a prescription to the pharmacy opposite our house. When I said that I was not coping, she just said I should wait for the medication to start working. I spoke to another doctor with the same result.Now for sure they were thinking that they were dealing with a weepy neurotic old woman. This made me feel angry.
I began to try and enjoy the best medicine - company.
The cleaning ladies came and efficiently worked round me, even changed my bedding. Neighbour Lisa came and warmed up some soup. She has been a star. She has taken the dirty bedding to wash. Later she picked up the pills from the pharmacy and later bought me Dioralite which might help me rehydrate a bit. The last idea was from Jo, who has phoned 3 times with support. Then jenny and the boys arrived. The boys were happy with their iPads and we shared Ideas for games. F and O were a real
tonic and I felt cheerful.
Jenny went to the Forget Me Not Tuesday meeting. I needed financial help and advice from Wendy, from social services. Wendy will visit on Thursday so we can begin to sort Bill's funding for future care.
And then she told Jenny of a local service that nobody seems to have heard of. There is an organisation called the hospital avoidance service. I can have a nurse to visit me over 3 days to assess my needs and to keep me out of hospital.
Jenny still thinks that this must be done through the doctor and is ready to do battle. But a friend has looked up this service, which gives a number to contact them.
So a day which began with despair ended with some hope.
I am ready to agree with the doctors that I am tearful and neurotic.
I have very real physical problems and some could be serious. But it wasn't until Bill went away that I began to totally not cope.Up until that point, I just had to manage, after a fashion. When he went to Deerswood, the floodgates opened.
The stress of the last few months has been unbelievable. Something had to give. And now I am finding it hard to make sense of anything.
By yesterday morning, I felt desperate. Whatever the cause, I felt that I deserved some help - maybe hospital even. So I phoned the GPs. Got through first time - good omen? No. Dr O is off this week. I was told that a doctor would talk to me after morning surgery. Abrupt Dr.Donnelly did just that. She picked up on the gastritis and said she would fax a prescription to the pharmacy opposite our house. When I said that I was not coping, she just said I should wait for the medication to start working. I spoke to another doctor with the same result.Now for sure they were thinking that they were dealing with a weepy neurotic old woman. This made me feel angry.
I began to try and enjoy the best medicine - company.
The cleaning ladies came and efficiently worked round me, even changed my bedding. Neighbour Lisa came and warmed up some soup. She has been a star. She has taken the dirty bedding to wash. Later she picked up the pills from the pharmacy and later bought me Dioralite which might help me rehydrate a bit. The last idea was from Jo, who has phoned 3 times with support. Then jenny and the boys arrived. The boys were happy with their iPads and we shared Ideas for games. F and O were a real
tonic and I felt cheerful.
Jenny went to the Forget Me Not Tuesday meeting. I needed financial help and advice from Wendy, from social services. Wendy will visit on Thursday so we can begin to sort Bill's funding for future care.
And then she told Jenny of a local service that nobody seems to have heard of. There is an organisation called the hospital avoidance service. I can have a nurse to visit me over 3 days to assess my needs and to keep me out of hospital.
Jenny still thinks that this must be done through the doctor and is ready to do battle. But a friend has looked up this service, which gives a number to contact them.
So a day which began with despair ended with some hope.
I am ready to agree with the doctors that I am tearful and neurotic.
I have very real physical problems and some could be serious. But it wasn't until Bill went away that I began to totally not cope.Up until that point, I just had to manage, after a fashion. When he went to Deerswood, the floodgates opened.
The stress of the last few months has been unbelievable. Something had to give. And now I am finding it hard to make sense of anything.
Sunday, May 25, 2014
goodnight
Was this the first day in my life that I spent entirely alone?
Don't remember another.
Never mind, being ill takes a lot of time and energy.
I was in bed for Much of the day sleeping lots.
Pain, nausea, exhaustion to the point of shaking muscles and feeling out of breath - and no, Jenny, I haven't eaten enough.
This gastritis is not nice. I do hope help can come my way this week.
This evening I was downstairs, watching TV.
Sleep time again.
Don't remember another.
Never mind, being ill takes a lot of time and energy.
I was in bed for Much of the day sleeping lots.
Pain, nausea, exhaustion to the point of shaking muscles and feeling out of breath - and no, Jenny, I haven't eaten enough.
This gastritis is not nice. I do hope help can come my way this week.
This evening I was downstairs, watching TV.
Sleep time again.
Saturday, May 24, 2014
From one house to another.
Still so tired.
When compared with normal life, my day has not been arduous.
But this is not normal life The process of getting up, packed and all that sort of thing made me shaky.
I went for walk round Jenny's garden. Ruth had brainwave and brought me the tablet. I feel more alive with a camera in my hand. O
I had a
little lunch with Ruth and the boys.
Then time to go to Deerswood.
Money had to be paid and we spent a short time with Bill.
He is happy, but remembers almost nothing about his time there.
He made a lot of noise and I was told that he Normally does.
I aim to try and sort out a daily day care centre for when he returns.
Then the challenge of the day - ASDA.
I needed simple food, so that I can look after myself this week.
Oh it was hard work.
I thought I might keel over onto the floor. The place began to spin.
But I was really proud to have managed,
Then home - straight up to lie down.
I have been reading up about gastritis - yes, can be caused by stress. I can tick off quite a few of the symptoms.
It leaves me wondering - has the endoscopy found what has been wrong all along?
It makes some sense. OK, we know the pancreas isn't working properly + but is it pancreatitis?
Chronic gastritis. with some major acute flare ups makes just as much sense.
It might actually prove to be easier to deal with. But best not to forget last Monday's investigations.
You will have spotted that I must still create a good routine for adding photos to blog.
When compared with normal life, my day has not been arduous.
But this is not normal life The process of getting up, packed and all that sort of thing made me shaky.
I had a
little lunch with Ruth and the boys.
Then time to go to Deerswood.
Money had to be paid and we spent a short time with Bill.
He is happy, but remembers almost nothing about his time there.
He made a lot of noise and I was told that he Normally does.
I aim to try and sort out a daily day care centre for when he returns.
Then the challenge of the day - ASDA.
I needed simple food, so that I can look after myself this week.
Oh it was hard work.
I thought I might keel over onto the floor. The place began to spin.
But I was really proud to have managed,
Then home - straight up to lie down.
I have been reading up about gastritis - yes, can be caused by stress. I can tick off quite a few of the symptoms.
It leaves me wondering - has the endoscopy found what has been wrong all along?
It makes some sense. OK, we know the pancreas isn't working properly + but is it pancreatitis?
Chronic gastritis. with some major acute flare ups makes just as much sense.
It might actually prove to be easier to deal with. But best not to forget last Monday's investigations.
You will have spotted that I must still create a good routine for adding photos to blog.
